Becca rolls the dice on love

It's "Vegas, baby!" a dozen guys say, before we hear voice overs of the most uninspiring gambling-related puns (eg "roll the dice on love!")

Colton has the first date this week, and Becca takes him to ride camels in the desert, only to find a hot tub set up in the middle of nowhere.  They talk about how they've already overcome so much and then make-out a lot.  During the evening portion, they discuss Colton's past relationship where he fell hard, said "I love you" super early, and then she broke up with him.  He was heartbroken but now takes love seriously or something.  Becca seems to like this little speech and gives him a rose and more kisses.  They end the date riding a tour bus around Vegas, drinking champagne, while a lit-up billboard instructs Colton to "Kiss Her." This sign is strategically placed so the rest of the guys can see it from their hotel room.

The group date this week takes Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris to a fancy estate with "nice horsies."  Mr. Wayne Newton rides up on a horse, gives them a tour of his house, and sings "Danke Schoen" to his wife.  Turns out, they all get to write love songs to Becca to the tune of Danke Schoen.  And that's not all, they get to preform those songs in front of a Vegas audience.  They are all pretty awful, but awfully good sports about it.

That evening, it's a pretty low key after-group-date-party.  Chris is feeling confident since he was the arguably the best performer- he got off the stage and really worked the crowd.  However, the evening comes and goes and he gets no one-on-one time with Becca.  Blake gets the group date rose after admitting to be falling in love with Becca.  Chris starts to spiral and mutters about leaving.

Next, to no one's surprise, there is the dreaded two-on-one date with, you guessed it, David and Jordan.  Both are overly confident and David really can't help himself poke at Jordan.  Colton has to hang out with the two of them during the group date, and he tells them they're acting like rams trying to push the other off a mountain, but if they can't focus on Becca during the date, they'll both fall off the mountain.  You know they aren't going to take his advice.  They meet Becca in the desert where she takes them in a jeep to a  site very reminiscent of the epic Ashley I - Kelsey 2-on-1 in the Badlands where Chris Soules left them both in the desert.  Becca and David chat first, and he immediately goes into a speech about Jordan being there for the wrong reasons and settling for Becca and how he's still thinking about other girls and models he wants to get with.  David thinks this went well and feels like he's totally ended the "golden underpants clown."  Becca pulls Jordan aside and confronts him about what David said.  He denies everything, of course, and when it doesn't seem like Becca is quite believing him, goes "I'll tell you right off rip" and goes into a yell-talk-monologue about his rough childhood, which, granted, sounds rough (poverty, parent with mental illness, etc), but it really wasn't the best way to deliver that news.  Anyway, Jordan is riled up and goes back to yell at David.  "You've been a little bitch rat-ass *bleep*" he shouts while David lounges and touts his honesty.  Becca comes to sit with them.  Jordan is pissed because David told Becca he said the "most hurtful thing you could say to a woman on this planet," that being that he's settling, and while that's pretty hurtful, I think there's a lot worse.  Becca feels like she's back in sixth grade and leaves them to argue at each other while she collects her thoughts.  It's pretty clear she was planning to pull a Chris and leave them both in the desert, but Jordan shared a sob story, which practically requires he get to stick around.  So Becca takes Jordan off in the Jeep, and only David is left in the desert.

Jordan is smug as heck; "Why did the chicken cross the road?" he posits, "to get buried in the fucking desert.  He ran his beat too much and got his head chopped off."  Back at the hotel, the men groan when David's suitcase is taken away.  They aren't surprised, but are bummed David couldn't stop egging Jordan on.  Jordan and Becca go have dinner, where Jordan goes on and on about modelling.  We do find out that "unfortunately, uh, Zoolander is extremely accurate."  So that's something.  Though Jordan is "not really, like, an average model."  Ok.  Jordan kisses her suddenly and she is not into it.  Jordan does not get the rose.  He's annoyed because he "was vulnerable and got no reward" and doesn't understand why Becca doesn't want him considering he "can speak" and "can walk" which is not that impressive, Jordan.  Becca watched fireworks alone with the rose and the rest of the guys cheer when Jordan's suitcase is picked up.

And just when you thought the main drama was over, we get a cocktail party featuring a full-on-panic-mode Chris.  The other guys have noticed he's cracking, and somehow, during the two-on-one date, she heard about Chris considering leaving.  She pulls him aside first to ask him about it.  He doesn't start his answer off well.  "I think you owe me like 50,000 kisses right now," Chris says, to which Becca rightfully responds, "owe?!?"  They start kind of arguing, so Becca walks away.  Later, Chris interrupts Becca's time with Wills as asks if he can steal her for a sec.  Becca says no.  Chris turns to Wills to ask for some time, who graciously gives him two minutes.  Will hovers nearby as Chris tries to salvage his image.  After two minutes, Wills returns and Chris is not done.  "This is, like, legitimately serious.  I can't get, like, a couple more minutes?"  Wills simply says "No."  Becca has to send him away so she can go back to kissing Wills.  When Wills returns to the group of men inside (with a hilarious "sup, baby" to Chris), Chris tries to get into an argument with him, but the other guys all defend Wills and Chris is not happy.  He does get to talk to Becca one more time and has a whole speech about falling for her or something- I am so done with him I really couldn't bring myself to pay attention to his last ditch effort to stay.  Chris Harrison collects Becca, and the guys assemble by a pool for the rose ceremony.  Only John doesn't get a rose and everyone is super bummed.  I'm actually legitimately surprised- I had already half written down John's name in my notes while Chris Harrison was announcing the final rose when Becca said Chris.  John is "certainly bummed about it."

During the credits we get some B-roll of Jordan getting a facial and talking about, what else, himself:
"Being handsome is great.  Uh, but being handsome doesn't get the job done.  It's all about, you know, skin care, hair care, uh, clothing, what to wear for occasions..."  ugh, good riddance Mr. Model.

Becca and "the best looking guy in the house"

We start this week's episode still in last week's episode.  The cocktail party is in full swing- Blake and Becca talk about how many kids they want and that they want to name their daughters traditionally boys' names.  The gentlemen give a toast to David who is still in the hospital while Jordan sulks in the corner.  He goes to chat with Becca who gives him gold shot-shorts and calls him Captain Underpants.  Coincidentally (but not actually because the producers of this show have figured out bad timing after a million seasons of this thing), David returns while Jordan is with Becca who immediately wants to go say hi.  David looks pretty busted up, but everyone is happy he's back.  Except Jordan, of course, who has a nice little monologue about how David is trying to save face but "has no face to save" and that he, Jordan, is "one of the better looking guys in the house.  Some of the guys think [he's] the best looking guy in the house."  Ugh, someone needs to knock this guy down a few pegs.  Jordan goes on to say he's pretty confident about getting a rose 'cause he's super hot and David's face: "it's just a Picasso.  You know, the clock's over here, the beach is there."  Jordan is confusing Picasso with Dali and I don't know why I'm surprised the male model isn't good with art history that even I, a scientist who's avoided the humanities, knows.  Much to Jordan's dismay, Becca gives David a rose and tells him to go rest and that he doesn't have to sit through the rose ceremony.  Jordan is so confident and, like the best, he rants at everyone about how he's Captain Underpants, and he is reaaaallllly letting David get into his head.  Anyway, the rose ceremony happens; Nick is wearing a track suit for some reason, and Ryan and Mike go home.  No one has heard Ryan or Mike speak this whole season, so, no surprises there.

UTAH!

Time to leave LA!  We jump right into the dates.  Garrett gets the first one-on-one date.  They wander around Park City doing cute touristy things before taking a gondola up a mountain to go bobsledding with some actual Olympians: Valerie and Shauna are not only 2006 Olympic Silver medalists, but they're married, so I guess this date activity is a metaphor for love, too.  Looks intense and fun and Becca and Garrett get champagne and a make-out session at the end.

Back at the house, we learn that Lincoln is a flat-earther and luckily the rest of the guys are as bewildered at his stupidity as the rest of us.  There's hope for some of them yet.

Back to Becca and Garrett.  In the evening portion of the date, Becca ask's about Garrett's past relationships.  Turns out, Garrett was married and "one thing led to another, and we got divorced."  What, what?  When I say "one thing led to another" it's more like, there were free tequila shots and "one thing led to another and" I puked or, I was watching The Bachelorette and "one thing led to another and" I drank a whole bottle of rosé.  Divorce maybe needs slightly more of an explanation.  Garrett blames the whole thing on the girl, and Becca claims to be concerned, but also she finds Garrett, like, so cute, so he gets the rose.  Oh, and a country concert where they dance and kiss on a little stage while Bachelor fans take pictures and ignore the country artist we've never heard of.

Group date time!  Thirteen of the dudes still left get to compete in a lumberjack competition.  They don matching flannel and throw logs around.  But that evening, the drama begins.  We get two dramatic story lines!  First off, Jordan is pissing the guys off, but it's not David this time that gets riled up.  Chris and Colton pull Jordan aside to confront him about not being here for the right reasons.  As all of these confrontations go, it is not remotely productive.  They call each other names and nothing is resolved.  Then Jean Blanc spirals.  He's clearly very insecure and decides to give Becca a perfume named "Miss Becca Blanc", plant a kiss on her, and proclaim falling in love.  Hooooo boy is it awkward.  And it only gets worse.  Becca tells him she's just not feeling it and starts to walk him out.  He stops her to throw a hail mary and claim he didn't really mean the falling in love thing and that he was just saying what he though she wanted him to say.  She was rightfully taken aback, so he tries to take that back too... She cancels the rest of the night.

Wills gets the second one-on-one this week.  Becca is still distracted by the whole Jean Blanc debacle, but Wills is a total sweetheart and they snowmobile and drink champagne in the snow, and it's super sweet.

As per usual around this time of the season, Becca cancels the cocktail party and they all go straight to the rose ceremony.  Everyone blames Jean Blanc.  Christen and Nick fail to get roses.  Jordan is pissed because he got the last rose and he's never gotten last place in anything before.  In fact, he beats out other male models all the time.  He leaves us with this nonsense: "I'm like a sponge.  You can squeeze me and get everything out of me but you'll never know unless you try."  Good grief.

Becca and "a professional football player and a bunch of chumps"

It's a rainy day in LA when we begin this episode.  Colton is moody because of the he dated Tia situation.  David is still complaining about Jordan and how he spends his days putting together outfits.  Jordan complains about how David spends all day cooking eggs and trying to get under Jordan's skin.  Jordan claims not to fee threatened, but he sure lets David get under his skin anyway.

Group date #1 or "Cheers to being a bitch"

The first date of the episode takes Wills, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, Colton, and Jason to a spa.  But surprise!  They aren't getting pampered, they're pampering Becca's friends, aka fellow contestants from Arie's season.  Kendall, Caroline, Bekah M, Sienne, and *drumroll* Tia are there.  Becca introduces them (though Colton and Tia need no introduction), and Becca forgets Jason's name (but he gets some smooches later, so it's ok).  While the girls AND the guys all get their fingernails painted, Becca and Tia step out to chat about the Colton situation.  Tia tells Becca the most they did was kiss, and sure he may have thought Tia would be The Bachelorette, but Tia hopes he's there for Becca.  I mean, Tia actually hoped she would be in Becca's shoes right now, but being cooperative now means more screen time for her and probably a good BIP placement.

For the evening portion of the date, we've mostly moved on from caring about the Colton-Tia drama, and instead get some excellent model vs chicken drama.  David just can't help himself from picking fights with Jordan, who we find out got 4,000 matches on Tinder in 2017 (which he claims was 100% a successful match rate).  David decides to tell Becca this, who thinks it's kind of funny and gives Jordan a sarcastic high-five.  Jordan call's David a bitch and goes to talk to Becca.  He gives her an awkward hug and tells her he's like a golden retriever in relationships.  Both Jordan and David think they've come out on top.  David keeps egging Jordan on who's decided to not talk to him.  David asks what look he's getting now:  "is this pensive?  Is this Clint Eastwood?"  Jordan finally breaks and rants about how good a model he is and how "attached to [him] is professionality.  It's [his] face."  The other guys are trying really hard not to laugh.

The date ends after Becca chats with Colton, who tells her he's there for her.  She believes him, kisses him, and gives him the group date rose.  Jordan is pissed because he thinks David lost him the rose and says, "karma is karma.  People who go up against me end up getting hurt sometimes."  I don't think Jordan knows what karma is.

1-on-1 Date: "You brought out my smile on a rainy day"

Chris gets the one one-on-one date this week.  Becca brings him to Capitol Records, where Richard Marx (a Grammy-winning artist, as they tell us multiple times) is waiting to help them write a love song together.  Chris is very uncomfortable with writing down his feelings.  Not 'cause he's a man and men suck at feelings, but because last time he tried to be vulnerable and write down his feelings, it was to try to reconnect with his dad who left his mom/him/sisters when he was 7, he never got a response and it was rough.  Becca gives him a pep talk and a kiss, and he writes a sweet emotional poem.  Richard Marx puts what they wrote to music and they make-out and dance to the song.

That evening, Chris tells Becca about the whole dad-letter thing and he gets the rose.  They then get a private concert by, you guessed it, Richard Marx, where they dance and make-out in front of him for the second time that day.

"There was an incident at the house last night."

Back at the mansion, David and Jordan are at it again.  Jordan, despite getting worked up about David every time, still thinks he's winning here, especially since he "talk[s] to God every day, and God know, if Jordan's got an issue with someone, phew, 86 him."  And I don't think that's how God works?  Though maybe I'm wrong, because that night, David falls off his bunk-bed onto his face and there was a lot of blood and he had to be taken away to intensive care.  Most of the guys are pretty shaken up about it.  Jordan thinks it's a good time to make jokes.  Chris Harrison visits Becca to let her know what happened, and she calls David to say hi.

Group date #2 or "It's gonna be some pretty bad football"

For the other group date this week, Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake get brought to a football field where a couple of women from the Legends Football League run them through drills.  Clay, the professional football player, aces them.  Lincoln, not so much.  Then, of course, they split the men into teams and play a game in front of the most female dominated football crowd ever.  They play some football, Clay singlehandedly keeping his team from losing (they tie), but breaks his wrist while doing so.  He's taken off in an ambulance and the rest of the guys join Becca at an antique shop for evening drinks.

Becca chats with some of the men, kiss a few, and then is surprised by Clay returning!  Much to the rest of the guys' dismay, Clay gets the group date rose.

"I got hurt playing football on The Bachelorette"

Time for the cocktail party.  The main thing that happened here, is that Clay decides to leave.  He needs surgery for his wrist, and kind of needs to focus on healing to be able to do his job (ie play football).  Becca's bummed, Clay's sad, but knows he's making the right decision.  Then the episode just ends.  No cliffhanger, really, except the previews tell us David comes back for the rose ceremony and his face doesn't look too good (they don't show us his face though).  Pretty anticlimactic, really.

Becca and "it's ingenuinity"

We again start the episode with Becca talking about Arie, this time voiced over her biking in LA rather than wandering in snowy MN.

Group Date #1: Obstacle Course inspired by marriage clichés
For the first date of the season, Clay, Nick, Chris (inexplicably called Chris R. even though he's the only Chris this season), David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln meet up with Becca at some place called Saddlerock Ranch.  There are tuxedos and champagne waiting and Becca awkwardly spins around while they all change.  Jordan decides to show off his modeling and gives Becca some confidence, telling her to "put the confidence on" before her pantyhose.

All dressed up, Becca leads the guys to a field where Rachel and Bryan are waiting to introduce them to "Groom's Day," a silly obstacle course with obstacles:

• ball and chain (literally drag a heavy ball on a chain)
• cold feet (sit in an ice bath for the length of an egg timer)
• slippery slope (climb up a greasy staircase)
• get over your exes (climb through some wooden X's, grab a bouquet, and put it in a bucket vase)
• cake tasting (dig through a cake without using hands to find a ring)
• race to the altar (run to propose to Becca)

Lincoln takes an early lead, mainly because he cheated on the cold feet part, if you ask any of the other guys.  He wins and gets photo with Becca.  That evening, he steals Becca first because they're married and they got married and married married married.  Lincoln tells Becca she brings out the best in him.  She asks why and he just says he's comfortable around her.  She kisses him and gives him a framed photo from the date.  He's thrilled.  Like, way too thrilled.  He says, and you can't make this shit up, "Kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on the wings of a pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold" and dude needs to pump on the brakes a bit.  Anyway, Lincoln rejoins the other guys, displaying his photo next to the group date rose.  Other guys are not thrilled.  Becca chats with some of the guys while Connor gets more an more agitated about Lincoln's photo to the point that he throws it out the window.  Becca has her last drama-free moment of the season kissing Jean Blanc before Lincoln brings photogate to her attention.  Sure, what Connor did was pretty shitty, but Lincoln hams it the fuck up, saying he feels threatened physically and says he's heartbroken and also cries.  I'm all for men showing emotions, but Lincoln is a bit extra.  Becca confronts Connor who stumbles through explaining why he did it.  Becca says she wants a guy who respects other people and stuff and Connor is embarrassed.  Jean Blanc gets the Group Date Rose and they all go home.

The next morning, Lincoln is telling the other guys about photogate and starts sobbing.  Jordan thinks this shows "ingenuinity."  Male models don't need to learn stuff good, I guess.

One-on-One Date: Were you guys aware that Becca has a Ex?
Blake gets the one-on-one date this week.  They take a limo to an abandoned looking warehouse where Chris Harrison is waiting with a sledgehammer.  Their date involves smashing things from Becca and Arie's relationship: a race car, champagne, monitors showing the proposal, and even the couch that Arie broke up with Becca on.  Oh, and Lil John is going to serenade them with "Turn down for what" peppered with some lyrics about Arie.

Their evening portion is pretty bland: they have a nice conversation; Blake gets the rose, a kiss, and a steamy make-out session in an alley.

Group Date #2: Any excuse to make the guys wear short-shorts
Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills, and Colton get picked up in a yellow school bus for their date.  They roll up to a school where Becca greets them and introduces them to their trainers: three kids.  Three kids who just verbally abuse them while they run around the gym and practice being pummeled with dodgeball.  "Trash!" one kid yells at them, "Do you think Becca wants trash!?"  It's pretty great, actually.  They scrimmage.  The team with Becca decides the best strategy is to hide being Becca since the other guys are hesitant to hurt her.  Christon give zero fucks and just pelts her with the balls.  This is not all just for good fun: the guys are going to compete in front of an audience of screaming Bachelor fans.  It's Neon Pink vs the Green Frogs.  The Green Frogs dominate, but it's close, thanks only to Leo, who singlehandedly wins won and almost wins the other two as well.

That evening, the winners jokingly ask if they need to hide the trophy.  Becca chats with each of them, and since they won't fight each other to make this date exciting, someone has to tell Becca something dramatic... and that someone is Colton.  Turns out, he spent a weekend with Tia (Becca's friend and Arie's fourth runner up).  This makes Becca "feel a little bit sick."  She's mostly annoyed because Colton is super hot and she was hoping to keep him around until the fantasy suites and now she has to worry about her friend's feelings.  Becca gives Wills the group date rose and goes to sulk pensively in the dark.

Cocktail Party, or, "We have a naked male model"
Becca has some nice moments with some of the guys, but the night is basically all about Jordan, who decides to come out wearing just some boxer briefs, knowing full well it will put a target on his back. He says "tick tock, let's make it rock," and I really have no idea what he meant by that.  He interrupts Becca and David chatting, so David is going to be the one taking the fall for complaining about Jordan not being here for the right reasons in some future episode for sure.

"I don't want you to misinterpret me as some guy thats, like, 007 all the time," Jordan monologues at Becca, "'cause I'm not.  There's a lot to me.  I'm really wild, I'm very spontaneous, I like to speed."  Jordan goes on to say he likes to live life on the edge but "like a gentleman" as his hair will be "well-kept."  He then loses me on some tangent about wanting a mini-me he can call Jordy who will sit on his shoulder and what, now?  Meanwhile, David is pissed and confronts Jordan when he returns.  He asks is he's more than a model, and Jordan doesn't really have an answer to that.  He does tell the camera that if they took an IQ test, he'd "pass it [...] a little higher than you think a male model would," which is not very high Jordan, so, not too impressive there.  David says he hopes Becca sees the"'ingenuine " side of Jordan, and Jordan responds with "it's ingenuinity," and someone buy these boys a dictionary.

So anyway, Jordan wears a pink blanky to the rose ceremony and claims showing his fashion and skin should guarantee him a rose.  That, and he's one of less than 100 Wilhelmina Male Models in the US, which is supposed to be impressive, I guess.  He somehow gets a rose, and Becca sends Rickey, Trent, and Alex home, who we barely know.

Becca and The 'Sea of Highway Patrol Officers'

We start this season with sad music and sobbing, followed by pensive walks in the snow, culminating in Becca driving a red convertible to uplifting music in a leather jacket with roses all over.  After being blindsided by Arie's break-up and returning home to Minnesota for a bit, Becca is ready to find love again.  Kaitlyn, Jojo, and Rachel are awaiting Becca at the Bachelor Mansion to remind her to "*bleep* Arie" and "trust [her] gut" and point out where they smooched their current fiances on night one.  Rachel and Jojo also want to sage the house.  Kaitlyn is confused "why do you light a big doobie and throw it around the room?"  Good question.  She doesn't find out since they set off the fire alarm and go outside to say cheers and drink champagne.

Things we learned from the intro videos:

• Clay is a biracial football player who cooks for his extended family.
• Garrett is a big goofball who loves all things outdoors.
• Jordan is a "pensive gentleman" who takes modeling incredibly seriously and looks like a douchey Ken Doll.
• Lincoln is originally from Nigeria and the US is different from there.
• Joe is an adorable Chicagoan who owns a grocery store and knows his tomatoes, but women? "Not so much."
• Jean Blanc reaaalllly likes fragrances.  He also dissed Trump, which I almost missed due to bleeping, saying that Port-au-Prince is "not a shithole" (it's where he's from).
• Colton is your Classic hot dude who played football, got injured, and now runs a non-profit helping kids with Cystic Fibrosis (which his cousin was born with).  Oh, and he has a big ol' black lab, so basically he's perfect.

Limo Entrances

Chris Harrison greets Becca: "This is now your mansion."
And now, the men:

• Colton brings giant confetti poppers and Becca thinks he's handsome.
• Grant tells Becca he respects what she went through, but they should forget about all that and have a good time.
• Clay makes like 8 puns about "catches" - including that she'd be the biggest catch of his life (and he's a football player, so he's made some big catches before).
• Jean Blanc teaches Becca how to say "Let's do the damn thing" in French and she thinks he smells good.
• Connor kneels and recreates Becca's limo entrance from Arie's season.

I do find it fitting that she wore black for
Arie's night one, and white for her own.

• Joe completely forgets what he was planning to say, so he tells Becca that.
• John's grandmother told him love can happen overnight, because it happened to her and his grandfather.
• Leo goes in for a handshake, but Becca is a hugger.  He tells her they should let their hair down and pulls his hair out of a bun.  Becca comments that he has better hair than she does.  He has better hair than everyone.
• Jordan tells Becca he's already having a good time.  He goes inside and gets one polite comment about how he looks good, and informs the other men that he spent 6 hours putting together this outfit.  The next limo entrances are accompanied by interviews with Jordan talking about how he picked out the specific articles to be unique, and shots of other dudes showing how un-unique his choices are.
• Ricky lists "all the adjectives" describing Becca.
• Alex also compliments Becca.
• Nick shows up in a car racing suit, says this is stupid, and rips it off.
• Mike shows Nick's Arie reference up by bringing a life-size cardboard cutout of Arie so he can see how happy she is.
• Garrett rolls up in a minivan filled with soccer balls and car-seats, to which Becca responds, "that was good!"

Ok, but for a show about a woman wanting to get married in like a month,
how has this entrance not been done before?!

Now we have the five guys Becca already met at Arie's After the Final Rose:

• Blake outdoes his horse entrance, riding in on an ox (his feelings are already "strong as an ox").
• Lincoln's birthday was on ATFR, so he brought some cake for them to share.
• Chase makes puns about this being "all about the chase."
• Darius says he's not as nervous as before.
• Ryan does not have his Banjo.

And back to meeting new men:

• Christon's entrance was unmemorable.
• Wills informs Becca that he's a closet nerd.  She says she's just a nerd.
• Jason shows Becca his and his friends' secret handshake, making it not really a secret handshake anymore.
• Kamil tries to make a healthy relationships meet in the middle by having her walk some of the way to him joke, but ruins it trying to make her come 60 to his 40.  It's a bit cringe-worthy and Becca is not impressed.
• Jake is immediately recognized by Becca who says "that's so weird" since they apparently run in the same Minneapolis social circles.
• Trent leaps out of the back of a hearse, informing Becca that he "literally died" when he heard she was the Bachelorette, but now he's back to life.
• Christian says something nice and spins her.
• David is the token costume guy, and he doesn't disappoint.  Dressed as a chicken, he clucks his way toward Becca, altering 'Ba-caw' to 'Becca' by the time he reaches her.  And then makes chicken puns.  I have to add that throughout these limo entrances, we are treated to Jordan just ripping the other guy's clothing choices apart.  Chicken guy shows up and Jordan is speechless.  He literally can't even with a chicken suit.

Not here to ruffle feathers, here to be eggcellent.

• Chris brings a gospel choir to impress Pastor Uncle Gary.  They sing a song that must've been written for this show since it's about bringing roses to heaven.

We get the typical montage of men milling about, commenting on how beautiful and funny and great Becca is, followed by the typical toast from the Bachelorette about how hopeful she is and how much love she has to give.  She barely takes a sip, and Connor pops up out of nowhere and steals her away first.  Jordan is convinced he dropped his playbook and Connor picked it up and the fact that Jordan is so concerned by his playbook makes me literally unable to even.  Leo has the best take I've heard on the stealing-first guy: "there's an old real estate saying.  You never buy your first house."

Clay has Becca play with clay (which looks like it's probably play-doh).  John informs Becca he made Venmo.  Christon dunks a basketball by jumping over Becca's head and the guys are begrudgingly impressed.  Jean Blanc reads Becca a poem he wrote and had engraved on a candle lid.  We learn that Joe got into the grocery business by wholesaling watermelons, which I find fascinating for some reason.  Chris Harrison spooks the guys by bringing in the first impression rose.  Lincoln gives her a bracelet from Nigeria.  David the chicken has a good conversation with Becca (after doing the chicken dance with her, obviously) which I'm sure pissed Jordan off as he refused to even talk to him.  Wills has an "Expecto Patronum" tatoo, which Becca reads as "Expecto Patronus" which casts a shadow of doubt on her being a "nerd."  Garrett teaches Becca a little fly fishing while the other guys scoff, leading to one of my favorite exchanges of the episode:
"Wonder if he's catching anything."
"Feelings."

Seriously though, Christon was straight up impressive.

Everything seems to be going smoothly, so it must be time for some  ~DRAMA~
Chris pulls a couple guys aside to ask some advice.  When ATFR aired, a friend of his texted him about Chase, saying she used to date him and that he's not going on this show for the right reasons.  Chris wants to know if he should bring it up with either Chase or Becca.  The other guys encourage him to confront Chase, so he does.  Chase responds that he and Danielle only date briefly a long time ago and that he's totally here for the right reasons.  Chase is upset, and decides he should tell Becca about this before Chris gets a chance to.  Becca asks what the texts said, and Chase doesn't know, so they bring in Chris to elaborate.  Chase keeps saying it was like two years ago and she's not really an ex since they only went on a few dates and he'd expect this from his two exes, not Danielle, which doesn't sound suspicious at all, Chase.  Becca, now thinking about guys being here for the wrong reasons, pulls Jake aside to ask why he's never pursued her before since they run in the same social circles.  He claims he has only one "conscious memory" of meeting Becca and he had a "transformative year" so Becca should give new Jake a chance.  Becca never felt they had anything before and sends him packing.  She goes back in to let the rest of the men know why he left, and they're all "holy hell" and "this is getting real".

The night is almost over, so Becca grabs the first impression rose and bestows it on Garrett, and they share the first kiss of the season.  The rose ceremony happens, and all of the guys are nervous that the chicken guy will get a rose and they won't.  Jordan claims that him not getting a rose would be "the biggest upset of all time," and if that didn't sound narcissistic enough, follows with him going home would be "unfair to Becca."  Good Grief, Douche Ken Doll.

I mean, she had to pick the guy in the $3,000 suit.  C'mon!

Who we lost this week:
Minneapolis Jake, 60-40 Kamil, wrong reason Chase, #GroceryStoreJoe, and then Christian, Darius, and Grant, who I had to look up to have their names in this list.

A Quick Summary of Becca's Men

It's almost time!  Becca K, here on out just known as Becca, will be debuting as our Bachelorette in a little over a week.  Well, I guess whatever second debuting is called, since technically she met four of these dudes at Arie's ATFR.

A summary of the men vying for Becca's hand in a proposal that may or may not last:

If ABC's choices are any indication, Becca has a thing for jocks.

One guy is from Becca's home state of Minnesota.  The rest are mostly from California (10 dudes) and Florida (7 dudes) with the remaining from Colorado (3), Illinois (2), and then one each from Georgia, Nevada, Washington, New York, and Ohio.

These guys are MUCH more age appropriate than Arie's season: Becca is 27 and her guys are 25-31 with an average age of 28.  A good third of them aren't white.

The weirdest "occupation" is social media participant, which is like the least unique way to describe someone, especially someone on this show that guarantees a little bit of Instagram fame.  The guy is actually in real estate and models part time, so who knows what the story is there.  There's also a "colognoisseur" who is really in finance and is named Jean Blanc and of course a guy names Jean Blanc is into something like cologne.

Overall, from a like two sentence bio each, they seem like an athletic, well educated group, so I have high hopes that are likely to be dashed if ABC has anything to do with it.

See all the suitors here: http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelorette/cast

"Arie is a wanker"

We start this Live Finale Day Two off with a lengthy recap of Arie proposing to and then breaking up with Becca, as if we didn't just watch it the night before.

We see a montage of Becca going home to snowy Minnesota and being sad.  Then we see Arie having a panic attack in front of Lauren's house.  He shouldn't have worried- Lauren practically throws herself at him when he knocks on the door.  They apparently have talked on the phone, so she knows he broke it off with Becca.  Lauren says it's been tough.  Arie says he let logic win over his heart and that he's "1000 percent" over Becca.  She forgives him and hints that she wants to get engaged.

Chris Harrison talks to Bekah, Tia, Kendall, Sienne, and Caroline, who all claim they love Lauren, but man, does Arie suck.  They all agree he probably should have broken the engagement off camera and Sienne says it was especially shitty of Arie to get affirmation from Lauren before breaking his engagement.  He was making it sound like a huge risk, but really, he knew he'd still get Lauren.  They all bash Arie for a while, and then Becca comes out.  She gets a standing ovation, and Chris Harrison talks about how fans just LOVE her.  There are apparently billboards up in Minneapolis and LA, and someone started a "buy Becca a drink" fundraiser which raised over $6,000.  Becca says she'll donate it to the non-profit Stand Up to Cancer.  Chris says ABC will match the donation.  So at least something good is coming out of this dumb show.

Arie comes out next to face Becca.  They chat and he says he regrets proposing when he wasn't 100% sure.  Becca says she's ready to close this chapter of her life.  Since Arie's not the first Bachelor to break up with his final pick and get together with the runner up, we get an interview with Jason and Molly Mesnick who have been married for 8 years.  They say it was easier back then since there was no social media.  Jason says Arie seems like a nice guy, but being on this show can really mess you up.  Arie says he's just trying to do what's best for him.  Then they bring Lauren out.  Chris says to her, "I can't imagine what's going through your head right now," to which Lauren responds, "yeah, me neither," so I guess we'll never know.

Chris talks to Lauren - she's completely forgiven Arie and is so in love.  Arie proposes to a fairly tepid response from the audience, which includes both Lauren and Arie's families.  That wrapped up quickly and it's on to announcing our next Bachelorette.  Unsurprisingly, Becca has been chosen.  The other girls from Arie's season come up to gush about Becca.  And then, like they did for Rachel's season, they set up a Bachelor Mansion backdrop, and Becca meets five of her suitors:

1. Lincoln has a bowtie and an accent and a very long speech.
2. Chase wants to be Becca's open door (from the "one door closes, another opens" cliche).
3. Ryan has a banjo and sings a song about Becca.
4. Darius apologizes on behalf of the male gender.
5. Blake comes out with his horse Bradley so he can help Becca get back on the horse, so to speak.

And that's it for Season 22 of The Bachelor!