"I said I'd follow my gut, but I've been following my heart"

This season looks to be the South American tour, as the guys head to Buenos Aires, Argentina.  JoJo and Chris sit on a bench and discuss feelings.

The guys are then informed by a distant Chris that there will be a one-on-one date, a group date and ANOTHER two-on-one date.  Oh shit.

Why is Chris Harrison standing so far away?
Were the guys not allowed to shower or something?

Wells gets the one-on-one date with the date card not so subtly telling him to kiss JoJo.  "I'll be frank here.  I'm the one guy here who hasn't kissed her," Wells says to a silent room.  The guys seem more concerned with the fact that Wells hasn't kissed her than the fact that the six other guys they live with have all been macking on her.  JoJo comes to pick up poor, nervous Wells, and Luke straight up asks "are you guys going to kiss today?"  To which JoJo says, dryly, "that's funny. Isn't it."

Their date starts off wandering through a street market in Buenos Aires, where Wells "buys" JoJo a bracelet.  They then go to this performance called Fuerza Bruta which consists of strange performance art involving a suspended pool and fake shooting a guy on a treadmill.  I can't help but note how tall Wells seems, but then I realize we usually see him amongst ripped, tall, jock-bros with enormous hair.

Unsurprisingly, JoJo and Wells have to learn this performance art and end up kissing in a shallow pool.  "That was the moment, Wells, that was the moment!  We did it!" yes JoJo, because apparently she judges everyone by kissing alone.

It seems to be going swell for Wells who has "a little tingle in [his] heart," until he talks about realism in relationships and is skeptical about JoJo's belief in unicorns.  He does't get the rose; both Wells and JoJo cry; the guys are surprised when Wells' suitcase gets taken.  JoJo inexplicably goes to a rave to sadly think about her choices.

A weird place to go after a break-up...

On to the group date!  Luke, Robby, Jordan, James Taylor, and Alex go play soccer with some local folk.  Luke says this is "the best Sunday afternoon I could ask for," and I worry about him, because the best Sunday afternoon I could ask for does not include four other competitors for my boyfriend's affection, but maybe things are different in Texas.  The guys are total jocks except James Taylor who is being all modest about how the other guys are HAWT and he just doesn't see himself "as this sexy dude."  So of course he's the only one to score a penalty shot and win a kiss from JoJo.  In true, dorky, James Taylor fashion, he says he's "on a train to ILoveJoJoville."

Aside from a very steamy-get-a-room-make-out with Luke, the big story of the evening portion of the group date is James Taylor snitching on Jordan to JoJo.  Apparently, Jordan is a gorgeous entitled d-bag, and James Taylor just had to tell JoJo.  JoJo confronts Jordan about this and he is so defensive, he doesn't even know what entitled means.

Worst confrontation ever: JoJo's body language clearly indicated
she was going to forgive whatever Jordan may have done.

Things are awkward, to say the least.  Jordan swirls his wine ominously, and the other guys are like, WTF mate???  The best part (the worst part?) is that this all came out of a rules of poker fight.  Anyway, Luke gets a rose, and Jordan is pissed because he still doesn't know what entitled means.

awkward turtle much?

Now on to the two-on-one!  Guaranteed drama!  Or, just an awkward learn to tango date with one too many guys...  JoJo exclaims that "there are three of us, but it only takes two to tango," right before it is announced they are doing a three person tango.  It's weird and Derek and Chase both look stoically uncomfortable.  That evening, JoJo kisses both of them, but chooses Chase because he attempts to open up after she basically told him he had to.   She also told him that she wishes she had opened up to Ben sooner... because... then maybe she'd be with him and not with these losers?  It was a weird feelings pep talk.

Derek cries and talks in the third person in the back of a van, while Chase and JoJo kiss to "Don't cry for me Argentina;" and if that's not good editing, I don't know what is.

Don't cry, Derek, you'll find your Pam in the end.

We actually get a cocktail party this week, where everyone who hadn't smooched JoJo this week got to.  Jordan wants "to do life with [JoJo]" and is also "glad [they] can go through tough stuff like that;"  "that" being James Taylor calling him entitled and if being called entitled is "tough," how are you not entitled?

Let's move on to the rose ceremony, when, in a huge plot twist, JoJo offers Chris Harrison a rose!!!

Like, who are these bozos?  You are the only real man here,
Chris Harrison.  Will you accept this rose?

Just kidding.  JoJo freaks out and decides not to send anymore dudes home tonight.  Alex is upset he got a "pity rose" and no one understands why he got any rose at all.

A Tale of Two Chads

(cue horror movie soundtrack)

We open this week's episode on the men having a "funeral" for Chad; throwing his protein powder into the wind.  "Death to tyrants," one bro yells, chucking the tub off the deck.  Everyone's happy, until there's a knock on the door.  Chad is back!  Daniel lets him in and asks how the date went.  Chad says some things like "JoJo broke up with me because I'm too intense" and "Alex wouldn't shut up about me."  Jordan, wanting to be reasonable and give the guy a chance, suggests that Chad should apologize to the group for being such a dick.  It doesn't go over well (shockingly), but there's no violence and Chad leaves, twirling anticlimactically out the door.

Alex returns from the date after an evening with JoJo that was presumably too boring to air, and the guys hoist him on their shoulders, set off fireworks, shove his face in a cake, and have somehow found party hats to wear.

It's cocktail party time, and with no common enemy to bond over, the men begin to unravel.  Everyone sees Robby kiss JoJo out by the fountain and are convinced he did it in view on purpose.  Luke and Alex already have roses and took "seconds" of JoJo time, so apparently any "gentleman's code" they were adhering to was thrown out the window.  Basically, they all get super insecure except for Jordan, who pushes JoJo against a wall barely hidden from the other guys, for a little make-out session.  Two guys end up going home: James F., who I only knew existed because there had to be another James for James Taylor to need a last initial, and Daniel, who went out with a strange monologue about how he has no personality and something about the chances of "getting hit by lighting while.... shaving."

Even Vinny realizes how awful his hair cut was and put on a hat.

Moving on, it's time to leave the country!  JoJo's taking the guys to Punte Del Este, Uruguay, a place she had obviously just learned how to pronounce!  Jordan gets the first one-on-one date where they kiss on a yacht and swim with seals and it's nice and drama free, so instead of watching that, we get to watch some manufactured drama.  Vinny, it seems, has set up a "barbershop," complete with trashy tabloid magazines, one of which so happens to have a "tell-all" article with JoJo's ex-boyfriend, who's name is, you guessed it, Chad.  Chad 2.0 claims JoJo ran back to him after getting dumped by Ben and only broke it off with him (again) to chase fame on the Bachelorette.  Uh oh, seems like JoJo's not here for the right reasons!  The guys overanalyze this for hours.

Back on JoJo and Jordan's date, the two of them sit at a table with food they won't eat and wine they will drink to have some serious discussion.  JoJo is worried because apparently she's met an ex of Jordan's who said he was a cheater.  Jordan claims he's not a cheater and that he wasn't a good boyfriend because he was too focused on a career he wasn't good at, and that was what JoJo wanted to hear, so she believed him and gave him a rose.

Pretty sure many guys who were forced to watch this
didn't even notice JoJo's tears during this segment...

Happy about this date, JoJo chats with a producer who shows her the Chad article.  She breaks down and we learn that she is not a pretty sobber. She goes to clear  things up with the guys and begins crying immediately.  The guys clearly can't handle this and tell her it's a "non issue" even though they spent the entire day getting all worked up about it.

Apparently this is what guys do when everyone else is on a group date

For the group date, Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, and Alex go surfing down sand dunes until it starts raining on them.  They have a cocktail party where Derek gets the group date rose and Alex and Chase decide for some reason they need to confront him about how it's a pity rose and he doesn't deserve it.  But hey, a rose is a rose, and Alex, when you call someone an insecure little bitch, it just makes you look like an insecure little bitch.  His Napoleon complex is running on all cylinders.

Why did Robby pick those swim trunks???

Robby gets the other one on one date this week, and it appears to be the walk around a city and eat street food date.  She makes him try on a hat and tells him he looks like Ryan Gosling and I'm wondering if JoJo needs glasses.  They decide to jump off a cliff because it was about time we had a  physical risk as a metaphor for falling in love this season.  That evening, Robby tells a really sad story about how his best friend was texting while driving off a bridge and that changed his life and then concludes with professing his love for JoJo.  Let's just stop here and appreciate how Robby met JoJo barely a month ago and has only seen her in settings that involve a dozen or so other men competing for her attention and this is their VERY FIRST DATE EVER and he's already dropping the L bomb.

And now it's the cocktail party.  Derek decides to call out Jordan, Alex, Chase, and Robby for being mean girls and they all bro-ily scoff at him.  Chris Harrison comes in to cancel the cocktail party because JoJo already knows which of these losers she's sending home.  They are:
Evan, the frequent bloody nosed pastor turned erectile dysfunction expert;
Vinny, the barber with terrible hair who cut the other dude's hair and now I know why they all have terrible hair;
and Grant, the hot fireman who shouldn't be surprised since he's not white, and just look at this show's track record with black people.

They all cry as they leave. The End.

"Life ain't all blueberries and paper airplanes"

We start right where we left off last episode: Chad has just had a talk with Chris Harrison and returns to the rest of the men in the mansion.  He says he's not trying to start shit and that some of these guys are probably good guys or something, but hey, just live and let live.  Evan tells him he should apologize, after all, Chad did ruin one of his shirts.  Chad does not think he was in the wrong and instead offers Evan $20.

But it's time for the pool party.  Chicken Fights! Shots!  Hot tub!  Synchronized diving!  Evan gets a bloody nose for no reason and is embarrassed.  JoJo jokingly asks if Chad did it even though he was obviously not involved in that dive.  "Apparently Evan just bleeds thinking about me," Chad quips.  Everything is going great- "even Chad seems to be having fun," says JoJo, until Evan steals JoJo from Chad who then does his hovering thing and overhears Derek telling JoJo about him.  JoJo leaves to get ready for the rose ceremony and Chad decides to confront Derek.  Chad is very angry and Derek is somehow super calm and articulate.  Chad accuses Derek of watching JoJo on the Bachelor, to which Derek responds, "why would you not watch?"  Chad says he has a job and a life and WE ALL DO CHAD, but we still manage to watch this show.

I probably wouldn't be this calm with The Chad staring at me like that

Time for the rose ceremony: Chad gets the very last rose, much to everyone's disappointment.  We lose the guy who dressed up as Santa the first night, the guy who looks like Aladdin, and the second to last non-white guy.  I would like to note that Evan did not stick to his ultimatum and stayed even when Chad got a rose.

It's time to leave LA!  JoJo and the guys head to the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania.  Luke gets the one-on-one date, and they go mushing through the woods where they find a wood-fired hot tub!  We learn that JoJo is bad at getting into hot tubs.  She calls Luke a "beautiful looking GQ model" and they make out in the hot tub.  That evening she learns about Luke's time in the military and how he lost his mentor and of course he gets a rose.  They then head over to a concert of yet another musical group I've never heard of, but this time there's an audience.  Not to worry, there's a weird platform in the middle of the crown where Luke and JoJo can kiss for all to see and take pictures of with their phones.

maybe this was just a ploy so he could touch her butt...

Back at the mansion, Chad is complaining about the other guys and we get gratuitous shots of  a black bear.  Chad says ominously that "it's not a good idea to poke the Chad-bear."  The group date card arrives and makes it clear that Chad and Alex are going to end up on the dreaded two-on-one date.  Jordan calls Alex "an American hero," while Chad says this will be a date of a "grown man vs an angry child."

The group date brings Derek, James Taylor, Daniel, Chase, Wells, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby to Heinz field where they are greeted by Ben Roethlisberger and a couple of his football buddies.  Jordan is obviously in his element, and Evan thinks he is ("I'm in win mode.  I spell win E-V-A-N" ugh), well, until he gets another bloody nose.  James Taylor gets hit in the head, but even he wants to show how manly he is and refuses stitches to keep playing.  They guys obviously have to compete for JoJo, and Jordan gets to play quarterback for both teams.  The Blue team wins, so Derek, Evan, James Taylor, Vinny, Robby, and Jordan get to spend the evening with JoJo.  Robby gets a make out session with JoJo on a pool table and JoJo says "you know... he's a man," which really clears up what she sees in him.  Jordan gets the group date rose, though, since JoJo is obsessed with him.

I bet they asked him not to wash the blood off for DRAMATIC EFFECT

And now, what we've all been waiting for since, oh, night one: The Chad and Alex two-on-one!  They get off to a great start by cussing at each other while waiting to be picked up for the date.  Jordan speaks up and Chad threatens him saying he's hunt him down after the show.  Jordan clearly thinks he's all bark and no bite and responds, "good one, tough guy."  Alex and Chad leave, and meet up with JoJo for a hike.  For some inexplicable reason, the guys are given axes to help clear the trail, and why are you giving them weapons?!  Chad thinks Alex is a joke, but says that if things do go well, he'll "be taking his teeth home."  They set up a picnic on a rock and JoJo talks to Alex first.  Alex tells her how violent Chad is and uses threatening Jordan as an example.  She confronts Chad, who doesn't exactly deny it.   JoJo leaves to go cry and try to figure things out.

Back at the picnic, Chad chucks his cup in the river and goes back to Alex.  "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed," he says, like he's someone's dad or something.  Anyway, they have an indecipherable conversation ("the hay is in the barn, dude"  "the pigs are in the castle"  "I don't drink milk"  "you should, milk's delicious").  JoJo returns and asks Chad if he's threatened any of the other guys in the house to which Chad responds, "That's not 100% false" especially as he just literally, moments before, told Alex that the only reason he wasn't physically hurting Alex right now is because he might get in trouble.  JoJo lectures him on how violence is not the answer, and Alex is SO GIDDY that Chad isn't getting that rose that he doesn't seem to realize he only got the rose by default and probably would have gone home if JoJo didn't know her precious Jordan had been threatened.  I mean, she saw Chad have a physical altercation with Evan and Evan told her "me or him," and she didn't send Chad home, but hearing second hand that Chad might have threatened Jordan... that was it.

They probably gave then a small blanket so they had to all sit awkwardly close

Back at the mansion, a man walks in to pick up Chad's suitcase the rest of the guys are thrilled.  They pop champagne, party poppers, and take shots of fireball.  Chad's wandering the woods, whistling creepily, and suddenly, he's back at the house knocking on the door.  It's creepy as hell, and we won't know if anyone survives the Chad Bear for two whole weeks (thanks NBA).

"A Beautiful Disaster Story"

"Chad somehow stuck around," laments one dude as the cameras pan around at empty glasses, plates of meat, and trash that I wonder if the guys have to clean up.  If you thought last week's episode featured a ridiculous amount of The Chad, then hold on tight, because the next two are going full on Chad.

Let's get the first one-on-one date out of the way: Chase.  Chase and JoJo go to the weirdest couples yoga class and do things like "angergasms" and "yubyums."  It's incredibly awkward, but they end up making out, so good for Chase.  In the evening portion, Chase tells JoJo about how his parents are divorced and he never wants that for himself.  "I don't want to rush into things because I only want to get married once so I came on this show where I might get engaged after spending approximately 48 hours with a girl who's dating some other dudes the whole time," says Chase (I'm paraphrasing).  JoJo gives him the rose and they attend a private concert of some band I've never heard of.

And it's Chad time!  Back at the mansion, when Chad isn't working out, he's eating meat and figuring out how much protein he's intaking.  Evan says Chad's enormous muscles make him look like a cartoon character.  I'm thinking a bearded Gaston.  The group data card arrives and it's Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and *dramatic pause* Chad.  Chad straight up says he doesn't want to go on a date with so many other guys, and the rest of the guys completely jump down his throat.  Chad's calling everyone names and says he'll just chill here and get alone time with JoJo later and Jordan says hey, it's a group date so there's probably a competition so "whatever team Chad's on should hope it's bench press and not a spelling bee."  The other guys love that but Chad tells Jordan he's just a failed pigskin thrower and Alex decides to tell Chad he's not afraid of him so Chad tells him he needs more tattoos to be a badass.  Needless to say, tempers are running a bit hot going into this date.

The date itself is pretty uncomfortable for the guys: they have to tell a room full of people a personal story about sex.  Chad is angrily sulking because he doesn't think his sex life is any of JoJo's business yet.  Evan, the erectile dysfunction expert, is all about this date.  Daniel gets asked his favorite bodily fluid and he responds "poo," and why is he still here?  Anyway, we see a montage of the stories, and I guess it's pretty entertaining, though we don't really get to hear the full stories.  Then Evan comes up and does a "PSA" about the effects of steroids that is so clearly a dis on Chad.  When returning to his seat, there's a "weird altercation" and Chad ends up ripping Evan's shirt.  Chad is the grand finale and asks for a volunteer, JoJo, to come on stage.  He says something dumb about how his sex life is in the past and this show is about the future and tries to kiss JoJo.  She turns her head and the guys are thrilled.  Alex gives a standing ovation.

They head back stage where Alex is giving out chest bumps and everyone is Team Evan.  Chad punches a door so hard he's bleeding.  He then begins his new favorite pastime of threatening people, starting with Evan.

"If I can't lift weights, I'm going to murder someone."

Evening time and all the bros AND JoJo are wearing leather jackets.  JoJo talks to some guys, but the real show is Chad hovering around making everyone nervous.  Evan asks Chad why he's there and says he owes him an apology.  Chad tells Evan to stop being a bully and stay the fuck away from him.  Chad finally gets to talk to JoJo, who is concerned.  He goes into a speech about how the other guys think he's a bully, so they're bullying him for being a bully?  It's unclear, but we don't get much clarification since Evan swoops in to steal JoJo.  Chad mumbles angrily away.  Evan gives JoJo an ultimatum: "I'm not going to stay here if [Chad] stays here."

Time for the group date rose, and JoJo gives it to Evan.  JoJo tells the guys this is always such a hard decision and Chad looks on in disbelief.  "Is this real?  Is this a real scenario right now?"  No and Yes, Chad.  JoJo probably was urged to choose Evan to create more Chad drama, so it's probably not all that real since does anyone see Evan winning this thing?  But, yes, Chad, this is a real scenario on this show.  Also, the guys have requested security guards in the house.

Next we get a quick break from The Chad Story for a date with James Taylor.  JoJo and James Taylor are done up to look like they're in the '50s and learn how to swing dance from an old lady.  It's adorable, and when they leave, they are swept up in a swing dance flash mob.  James Taylor is an awful dancer, but tries so hard.  Later that evening he tells JoJo how he was kind of a dork growing up, sings her a song he wrote, and he gets the rose and a kiss.

And now we have my favorite conversation of the night: Daniel trying to unfriend Chad.
Daniel decides to start with, "Let's pretend you're Hitler."
"Let's not pretend I'm Hitler" - a fair response from Chad.
Daniel tries to think of someone else to compare him with and comes up with Mussolini, Trump, and Bush, so I'm sure Chad is going to take into consideration what Daniel is trying to say.

It's almost time for the cocktail party, but here comes Chris Harrison, so just kidding!  He is here to inform the men that there will be a pool party instead of the cocktail party.  Evan chases Chris Harrison outside to express his Chad concerns.  Chris Harrison has a little chat with Chad and suggests maybe he should do something about his impact on the house.

Chad walks back into the house while the rest of the men look nervous.

Fade to Black.

TO BE CONTINUED (aka the worst ending this show can have, and I have a feeling this is just the beginning).

Everyone hates Chad

We start this episode with a JoJo-staring-pensively-off-a-balcony shot while we hear her monologue about how she's ready for  love like Ben and Lauren found.  Maybe aim a little higher than love found on TV show that statistically won't last?

Then the show wastes no time in getting to the main event: The Chad.
"To a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, fuck you guys, I'm going to make her my wife," Chad toasts.  Then we get the first of many speeches from Chad about how he thinks he's so much better than these other men because these other men act like they've never seen a beautiful woman before and none of them are man enough for JoJo and Chad clearly suffers from gross over confidence.

Time for the first group date of the season!  The guys hear an explosion and run outside to see a limo on fire.  They laugh and look confused and are generally useless in an emergency, so good thing JoJo shows up in a fire truck to safe the day!  And she's smokin' hot! And we hear more "hot" puns because fire and do you think this date is going to be fire themed yet?

Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells, and Robby (JoJo's "B-team" per Chad) get to go to firefighter camp today.  Wells basically gets heat stroke and the other guys are bitter because JoJo is concerned about him and he gets some precious one-on-one time with her.  Somehow the nerd won out here in the Jock contest.  But then the real competition begins, and to no one's surprise, the real firefighter wins the firefighter contest.  In the evening portion, Luke and Grant get smooches but Wells gets the group date rose for managing not to die.

Back at Bachelor Mansion, the guys are writing a song for JoJo, and it appears the lyrics are just JoJo's name over and over again followed by a "yeah!" Doesn't one of these men write songs for a living and somehow that's the best they could do?  Chad is having none of this though and does pull-ups with a suitcase of protein powder hanging from his waist.

"There's nothing that can give you the gift of watching a man, in this case a Chad, use a weight belt in such a revolutionary way.   It's a gift from above."  I have to agree with James S.- Chad really is a gift from above.  He's just the worst ("a meathead in the max," the "highest level of d-bag"), but that makes him the best.

Next up, Derek gets the one-on-one date where he and JoJo have a "choose your own adventure"  that really only consists of three "choices:" sea or sky, north or south, and Lombard Street or Golden Gate Bridge.  They have a boring date drinking wine in San Francisco, he gets a rose, and let's get back to Chad.  The guys are still having a sing-a-long and Chad is still unimpressed, but now has an admirer.  Daniel and Chad sit around talk about protein powder and how they're just a couple of cool bros.

Group date number two takes Jordan, Christian, Nick, James Taylor, Alex, and Chad to ESPN.  JoJo is "on air" with Sportsnation debating whether Stephen Curry is the greatest player of all time.  JoJo says he's not, which makes me kind of glad that when this episode was airing, I was actually watching Steph Curry be pretty great at basketball instead of watching this.

Anyway, the men get to do some "fun" competition while the hosts of the show power rank them.   The first event is "Strike a Rose" where the guys have to do an end zone dance with a giant rose and it's just as terrible as it sounds.  The second event has them spin around on a bat and propose to JoJo and while the rest of the guys have cheesy lovey dovey speeches, Chad isn't here to play games or make friends and actually calls JoJo "naggy" when she asks him to elaborate on why he likes her.  Next they all go into a press conference.  One of the questions is who should not win, and every guy picks Chad.  Chad owns it and straight up tells JoJo no one else seems to be there for the right reasons and think they're in love and he just met her and is excited to see if it can work but just doesn't know yet because he's literally spent like 4 minutes with her.  It's all too real, and makes a lot of sense, but we still hate you, Chad.  James Taylor beats out Chad and Alex for the number one spot in the power rankings and Alex is furious to see his name just below Chad.

Chad is definitely not here to make friends.

Onto the evening portion of the group date.  James Taylor is just amazed some pretty girl likes him since he's not "abs McGee."  Chad's keeping a running commentary of these "children" he's competing with and it's just great:

"The best thing about Jordan is his brother.  The worst thing about Jordan is that he's not his brother."
"Alex is just too short"  (Chad is not going to let this go)
"Christian is constantly listening to his own words before he says them" (That's not how that saying goes)
"Nick is trying sooo hard it's coming off so weird" (and Nick seems relatively normal for this show)

Chad goes to talk to JoJo, who likes that he's being honest but feels like he's overcompensating for something.  Chad talks about his tiny dog which is his segue into how his mom is dead.

James Taylor says that if Chad got the group date rose he would have to "rethink [his] whole life."  Really?  You were just saying how JoJo is way out of your league, so why would it be any shock that she falls for the king of all douchebros?  Anyway, James Taylor gets the group date rose, so no rethinking one's life tonight.

Cocktail Party!  Chad decided to get some air so he doesn't have to hang out with his weak competitors and conveniently has an extra glass of wine for JoJo when she shows up.  They walk into the mansion together and the other guys are livid.  Alex takes it upon himself to lead an intervention.  The first confrontation is about him walking in with JoJo and how much meat he's eating.  Chad doesn't care and finds it entertaining the way the guys are getting SO worked up about him (I find it entertaining as well).  Chad steals JoJo from a couple of guys, which Alex compares to a horror film, so Alex confronts Chad again and tries to tell him he's creeping JoJo out.  Chad responds with a "fuck you," to which Alex responds "hey, cool, bro, cool."  They say things loudly at each other, and as Chad walks away, Alex shouts "you're a meltdown!" and honestly, that's the best insult you could come up with, bro?

Chad makes fun of the guys confronting him, comparing them to the West Side Story and Care Bears and "we're a group of butthurt dudes who are going to confront you... slightly" and he kind of has a point- their confrontation was a bit weak.  Chad is further convinced that the "competition's real light" and proceeds to gnaw on his meat during the Rose Ceremony.  Alex is still fuming and goes on a rant about the roses: "it's supposed to symbolize that you're a good guy and your here for the right reasons.  It's gonna represent just garbage if he gets that rose."  Oooooh boy, this is going to be a great season.

Chad is the Brad Pitt in Ocean's 11 of the Bachelorette:
always eating.

Guys we lost this week:
Brandon, the hipster
James S., the bachelor superfan who can now go back to being just a fan
Will, who thought it was a good idea to TP the mansion with JoJo tonight.

Inexplicably, Vinny the barber with an awful haircut and creepy male model, Daniel (who made a joke about pulling fire hoses that I think was supposed to imply he has lots of sex but it didn't land) are still around.

"Bring on the men!"

After a recap of JoJo's journey on Ben's season with the whole L word fiasco and some shots of JoJo staring into the ocean, JoJo sits down with former bachelorettes Ali, Des, and Kaitlyn so they can give her advice.  JoJo asks if they have any regrets and Kaitlyn emphatically says yes.  She has a little monologue about living too much in the moment and how she needed to take a step back.  Translation: she regrets sleeping with Nick.

Kaitlyn (still with Shawn), Ali (engaged to someone not Bachelor related; pregnant),
JoJo (our new Bachelorette), and Des (married to Chris and pregnant)

Next up we have a few intro videos:

• Grant is a firefighter from SF who said a lot of generic stuff about wanting to fall in love but ended with hoping that "JoJo is the one that lights my fire."  Get it?  Firefighter- lights my fire?  Oof, lets hope the producers weren't relying on their puns for comic relief.
• Jordan has a famous brother who is famous for succeeding in Jordan's former profession.  Though since Jordan isn't focusing on football, he can make a priority for love!  Even though that's no excuse considering his bro is still focusing on football and has a famous girlfriend.
• Alex is a marine and has a twin brother who is married and he's jealous, so he decided to go on TV to expedite the process of finding a wife.
• James S. is a "Bachelor Superfan" and that's still all we know about him.
• Evan used to be a pastor, but found a new calling: helping men get erections.
• Ali's family came here from Iran and he has a couple of successful older siblings who are hard to live up to, so I guess he decided to go a different route and not even try.  He's a bartender and from his video, a surfer/skateboarder with a cute dog.
• Christian has a boring nerdy job but makes up for it by getting up at 3:30am to work out everyday.  Also, he "grew-up biracial" which leaves one to wonder what he is now as an adult.
• Our last on location intro is Luke, the small-town country dude from Texas.

Let's head to the Bachelor mansion!  The limo entrances were pretty cringe worthy.  Some highlights:

• Robby brings JoJo a bottle of wine for them to take swigs from a la JoJo's mom during hometowns last season.
• Will "accidentally" drops his index cards as he gets out of the limo so he can do a "funny" gimmick where he reads them wrong.  It's terrible.
• Jonathan comes out of the limo in a kilt and tries to make a joke about how he has a big penis (Half Chinese, half Scottish- the Scottish half is below the waist), but it ends up coming out a little racist and crude and also JoJo didn't seem to get it.
• Saint Nick is next and his whole joke is saying "Jo Jo Jo" (instead of ho ho ho) and giving JoJo a gift.  You gotta hand it to him though, he proceeds into the mansion and pulls toys out of his bag to give to the other guys.
• Chase wears sunglasses with a fake mustache and says "I mustache you a question, but I'm going to shave it for later" (he takes off the mustache as he says shave).  Pun game not strong this season.
• Sal has some blue stress balls for JoJo and I guess just wanted to make jokes about his balls.
• Wells, the radio DJ, brought an acapella group, so that's cool I guess.
• Luke was the last to arrive, riding up on a white horse that he gave a unicorn horn in reference to JoJo's limo entrance where she wore a unicorn head.

Unsurprisingly, the other guys though this was dumb, but probably
because they were already bored of making fun of the guy in a kilt.

The night gets started quickly.  After JoJo welcomes the men, Alex immediately steals her away.  The guys are mad and jealous they didn't do it, so they bitch about Alex being "that guy" and "short" and they all sound like jerks.  The first kiss comes awkwardly forced from Will and his cootie catcher.  The second kiss, though, is from Jordan who JoJo is clearly into.  He hasn't even name dropped his brother yet!  Chad thinks he's a more manly and rugged version of Ben which he thinks is perfect for JoJo.  She seems to like him, but every time he speaks to the camera, he comes off as a complete tool.  After Daniel tries to explain his limo entrance ("Damn, JoJo!") which is related to some internet meme called "Damn Daniel," but fails, he gets "white Canadian wasted."  Somehow between poking a guy's belly button and making fun of suits, Daniel loses his clothes and jumps in the pool.  A couple other guys get drunk too, but all they do is interrupt an interview and slur words at JoJo.  Daniel continues to be creepy, Ali plays some piano, and JoJo sits on Santa's lap.  Jordan, fairly obviously to us viewers, gets the first impression rose and everyone's super stressed out in time for the rose ceremony.

I guess JoJo likes sitting on guys

But wait!  Just as JoJo's about to hand out her first rose, a car pulls up and Jake Pavelka (a former Bachelor) whisks her off!  They guys are pissed, but all for naught.  In a weird twist, Jake is actually an old family friend of JoJo's and just wants to wish her luck!  Ok.  Maybe just text next time rather than giving 26 men a heart attack.

Anyways, the men who went home this week were kilt guy and five others I know nothing about.

"From Ben to 26 new men"

We left off last season with heartbroken JoJo going home to Texas while Ben H. and Lauren B. rode off into the sunset of love.  We begin this season in less than a fortnight, where we'll get to meet the 26 men vying for JoJo's heart in person, but for now we are left to judge them based on one picture and answers to some less than inspired questions (i.e. "what's your favorite flower?" and "are you more party starter, wing man, or laid back?")

I get the kilt (probably heritage related blah blah blah)
but a Santa costume?  He'd better have a great pun to go with it.

The guys are aged 25-34 and include 2 Canadians, 8 Californians, 5 Floridians, 2 guys from JoJo's home state of Texas, and then some guys from other random states.  Six of them look to be not white dudes, which sadly seems super diverse for the Bachelor franchise.

Here are some gems from the guys' bios:

• Brandon, a 28 year old from LA, has the profession of "hipster."  So, ugh, already.
• Chad (first off, his name is Chad) answered three questions similar to "who do you admire most in the world and why?" with "myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright" and thinks his greatest achievement in life is being born good looking, which is more your mom's achievement, but ok.
• Derek is a 29 year old commercial banker who (a) hates cucumbers and (b) has a serious fear of fluffy kittens.  So clearly there is something wrong with him (to my readers who may not know this about me, I LOVE cucumbers.  Also, more obviously, fluffy kittens.)
• Daniel is a 31 year old male model who used a lambo (as in Lamborghini, the luxury car) as a metaphor for his body not once, but twice.
• Evan is a clear winner: he's a 33 year old erectile dysfunction expert who's favorite kind of dancing is "booty" and doesn't like girls with chipped nail polish or serious food allergies.
• James S. is 27 years old and apparently his "occupation" is Bachelor Superfan.
• James Taylor is a singer-songwriter named James Taylor.
• Jordan is a former pro QB, and for all my sports/Bachelor cross over fans, is the younger brother of Aaron Rogers currently playing for the Green Bay Packers.  And when asked what the wildest thing he's done in the bedroom, he answered with trying to hang a TV on the wall with out a stud finder.  Hot.
• Nick S. is a software salesman who doesn't like "scary cheeses" and I don't know what that means.
• Robby was the only guy to not answer the favorite flower question with "rose, duh," and instead went for honeysuckle.
• Wells is a 31 year old radio DJ who doesn't like pizza or cats, and what the hell man.

The rest of the dudes seemed pretty ok, or at least had no super weird answers to questions.  But then, the ones who seem normal at first often have a little bit of drama hidden up their sleeves.  So stock up on that wine and I'll see y'all in 10 days for The Bachelorette Premiere!