"This is a nightmare scenario" says guy in a self-inflicted scenario

Introductions

So it begins...

We start with the star, Rachel, of course.  We get to recap Nick breaking up with her on The Bachelor after she finally admits she loved him, evidence for Rachel that the show "works."  We then get to see her adorable dog with a broken leg, Copper, for not enough time.  What they want to make clear is that Rachel is serious and looking for a husband on this show, "like, this finger is ready," she exclaims, holding up her left hand.

We then get introduced to eight of Rachel's suitors.  What we learned:

Kenny is a pro-wrestler with an adorable 10 year old daughter.

Jack's mom died when he was in high school, so more on that story later at an advantageous time for him to stay one more week on the show.

Alex wants you to know that he's not only super ripped, but also a huge nerd!

Mohit loves Bollywood dancing with his large family.

Lucas (aka Whaboom guy) is literally the worst.

Blake E. said "I don't want to come across as the guy who talks about his penis..." and TOO LATE, creep.

Diggy has more shoes than pages in Moby-Dick.

Josiah's life could be a lifetime movie: tragic event in his youth, turned to crime, got arrested, turned his life around and now works in the legal system that arrested him and gave him a second chance.

Now it's time for Rachel to get ready for the big day: by driving up to the Bachelor Mansion in a Tesla to get advice from some other girls on Nick's season (Jasmine, Alexis, Corinne, Raven, Kristina, Astrid, and Whitney).  They have some generic advice and we move on.

The Limo Entrances

I mean, I love penguins, so I'd pick him.

We start off with Peter, who brings up Nick, since he is also from Wisconsin and wants to give Rachel a good experience with Wisconsin boys.  Rachel says "he's cute! we're off to a good start!"   And it's a good thing it's a good start, because it's a terrible end (last guy out of the limos is my least favorite contestant possibly of all time).  Josiah's up next with some lawyer puns, ending with "see you later, litigator," which actually made me smile.  Bryan talks to her in Spanish and she is instantly into him and I don't know why.  Then we have some generic entrances with Kenny, Rob, and Iggy, followed by Bryce who picks her up while we hear a voice over of how some of the men sweep her off her feet.  Will does a Steve Urkel impression, gets back in the limo, and comes out for a normal introduction.  Diggy makes a pun on his own name, hoping he's there to "teach [her] how to Diggy."  Kyle brings some Jamaican treat, which he pulls out after saying he wants to show Rachel his buns.  Blake K. tells Rachel his grandparents only dated for two months before getting married and have been together for 60 years, so he believes this could work.  Brady brings some ice out so he can literally break the ice.  At this point I'm not sure if Rachel legitimately loves corny jokes or if she's just really good at just going with everything with a smile.  This is why I couldn't be Bachelorette: I have no poker face.  Well, this and a thousand other reasons.  Next we have the four guys who already had a fake limo entrance at After the Final Rose, all of whom brought up those entrances: Dean, Eric, DeMario, and Blake E., the last of whom showed up this time with a marching band. 

We get a breather and Chris Harrison comes out to check in with Rachel, but not for long because we still have 15 more dudes to meet.

Fred brings his yearbook to show Rachel she's in it.  Rachel totally remembers him (she was his camp counselor) and exclaims "he was a very bad kid!"  Jonathan tickles her, but then his "occupation" is tickle-monster, so I'm not sure what I expected.   Lee comes out crooning with a guitar and hands her an enormous flower.  Alex dances up with a vacuum, a la Rachel in her intro video for Nick's season.  Milton takes a selfie with her.  Then Adam and Adam Jr. show up.  Adam Jr., or AJ, is a puppet that looks like Adam and it understandably creeps Rachel out.  Matt shows up in a penguin suit and tells Rachel how penguins mate for life, and seems pretty normal, despite the penguin suit.  Grant rolls up in a fire truck with sirens and everything (he's an EMT).  Anthony, Jamey, and Jack have unmemorable entrances.  Mohit holds her hands below his and says this will be the only time he has the upper hand in their relationship.  Jebediah says "when Jacob met Rachel, he wept," and I'm glad Rachel got the Bible reference because I sure didn't.  Michael tells Rachel "the blacker the brownie, the sweeter the dude," and I don't really know what that means but it sounds dirty.  Lastly, we get Lucas, who announces himself with a megaphone from the limo, his intro including the fact that one of his testicles is larger than the other.  He also calls himself Rachel's future husband.  He comes out wearing a shirt with his name on it and I have no idea how Rachel did not just send him home on the spot.  We still don't really know what "Whaboom" is other than him convulsing and yelling it over and over again.

Inside, the guys are joking about who the crazy one of the season is.  Lucas walks in and does his weird Whaaaaaabooom thing and they're all, yup, he's the one.  Token crazy guy.

No. Just, no.

Cocktail Party

The cocktail party commences- Josiah steals her away first.  Other guys are like "I didn't expect that!" and come on, you've all seen this show before.  The guys try to make an impression on Rachel.  The Adam puppet even gets his own contestant interviews, inexplicably in French.  As the night wears on, guys are getting drunker and more and more nervous about not getting time with her.  One guy can't believe the penguin guy has talked to her, but not the guy in the $2000 suit, come on!  Bryan not only manages to get time with Rachel, but aggressively kisses her, for a long time, and with lots of tongue.  It was uncomfortable to watch, but clearly Rachel is into him, because he gets the first impression rose and another kiss.  This second kiss is seen by a very drunk Mohit who points and goes "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

Meanwhile, Lucas is annoying everyone, but none more than Blake E, who tries to confront him about just coming on the show for attention.  To which he says, "I think that everyone has a little Whaboom in them," and Blake E responds, "I have no Whaboom in me."  Scintillating.

Anyway, it's rose ceremony time and all the guys are whining about how "devastating" it would be to be sent home and how they "can't live without" a rose.  Geez, and they say women can be dramatic.  The last rose of course goes to Lucas, and if that wasn't a producer pick, I don't know what Rachel was thinking.

Seven guys are sent home, and exit the mansion in clear daylight.  Milton cries because he doesn't get to show off all the outfits he brought.  Blake K. has the classiest exit of all time, saying that there are a lot of great guys there for Rachel, she and him aren't right for each other, but the right girl is out there for him!  Turns out, him leaving was his own choice because his grandfather was hospitalized and he flew to Hawaii to be with him, which just makes him going home that much worse- such a stand-up (and hot) guy, but instead we have to watch Whaboom for another week.

I mean, look at this guy!  Lives in SF and a war vet too!

31 Flavors

Contestant bios are up, and I read them so you don't have to!  Although I have to say they are more varied and interesting than usual, probably because they are older and smarter than usual since Rachel is older and smarter than most of the Bachelor family.  The men all seem to like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Denzel Washington and/or Elon Musk.  Most of them don't seem to realize that skydiving isn't that outrageous.  Most of them have real careers, and they are between the ages of 26 and 35.  Nine of them come from California, seven from Florida, four each from Texas and Chicago, then one each from Wisconsin, Connecticut, Tennessee, Las Vegas, Georgia, New York City, and Michigan.  No Canadians this season!

So without further ado, here is a tidbit about each of Rachel's suitors:

Adam's most embarrassing moment was telling his mom he was going on The Bachelorette.  Though I think it will change to when his mom reads his cast bio and finds out his idea of the most romantic gift he's received was a threesome on his birthday.
Alex has eaten a live salamander.
Anthony describes his favorite book "like a dream I don't want to wake up from."  I like Anthony.
Blake E. was engaged to "a crazy girl" for 48 hours and also hates cat people.
Blake K. wants to be The Rock, not because of all the cool stuff he does, but because he can pull off a fanny pack.
Brady like to tackle snowmen.
Bryan listed seven qualities when asked what his three best attributes were.
Bryce once caught a girl's hair on fire during sex.  Good thing he's a firefighter, amiright?
Dean has a tattoo on his inner lip.
DeMario claims that "when [he's] married with children [he] will own a pet lion and name him 'Denzel, the lion.'"
Diggy is apparently really into day drinking, so should feel right at home on this show.
Eric would like to live in a time "before money was involved," and I'm not sure that he knows that time is before the Stone Age.
Fred had a crush on his camp counselor when he was young, which is a boring fact until you learn that this camp counselor was Rachel.
Grant say's his favorite magazine is "Playboy? ;)"
Iggy says his three best and worst attributes are "Passionate, loyal, and witty" and I'm sensing this guy likes answering the "what are your biggest weaknesses" question in job interviews.
Jack Stone's favorite flower is a tulip because it's "basically, roses without thorns" and he's either never seen a tulip or never seen a rose.
Jamey does not have female friends, which seems like a red flag.
Jedidiah talked about how much he liked his trip to South Africa, in part because it "has very real problems like HIV and violence," and that's right, he a privileged white dude.
Jonathan has an ex-wife, and by the sound of it, waited until marriage to have "uneventful" sex.
Josiah says his worst date ever was being catfished, since the women turned out to be pregnant, and dude, that's not catfishing.
Kenny has a daughter and wants to live in Ancient Egypt.  Those two things are unrelated.
Kyle doesn't know what gluten is, but often orders gluten-free if it's on the menu.
Lee thinks he could somehow learn to make booze if he were stranded on a desert island with just "a hook, the right girl, and a fire source."
Lucas' ideal mate looks like one of these fictional white ladies who don't look anything like Rachel: Belle, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, or Jessica Rabbit.
Matt's worst date memory was a Tinder date since he realized online dating wasn't for him.  I feel like going on TV for a date will be much worse.
Michael played pro basketball in Bulgaria.
Milton thinks being romantic shows you're week, so it's really good he's going on a show where everyone's required to make fools of themselves for "love".
Mohit is going to dress up as gluten for halloween.
Peter likes Modern Family because it's hilarious and carefree, which makes me wonder if he's really seen it, because I get so much secondhand embarrassment from that show- hilarious, but not at all carefree.
Rob wants to be Superman, one reason being that he's "also a US alien, like me!" which I'm not sure is a witty way to say he's an immigrant or if he's trying to tell us he's not really human?
Will's worst date is "every tinder date ever," and again, going on a TV show to date a girl with 30 other boyfriends is much worse.

So that's who we get to meet Monday night!

Finale... Finally

Just in case I actually have a readership, I figured I should maybe recap the finale of Nick's season.

Still in Finland, Raven and Vanessa get to meet (well, re-meet in Raven's case) Nick's family.  Unsurprisingly, the family likes both of the women.

Vanessa gets the first last one-on-one date with Nick.  They go horseback riding and then are way to excited about meeting Santa Clause, who gives them a wood carving that vaguely resembles the two of them.  Vanessa says "it's nice to hear Santa Clause believes in a future between Nick and I," as if Santa wouldn't have said that to any couple who he presumably gets paid to act jolly for.

Vanessa and Nick then have a discussion they both leave unhappy with.  Vanessa says she's not comfortable if Nick chooses her just because it's a slightly better relationship than one he has with someone else, and it's a good point, but no matter how much better Nick's relationship with Vanessa might be, he's not allowed to tell her because that's no fun for the audience!

Nick and Raven then have their date.  They go ice skating and then Nick brings out a bunch of husky puppies for Raven to play with and I don't care if he breaks up with her, Raven is the real winner of Finland.  Raven says "I hope my kids with Nick are as cute as these puppies," and I hate to break it to her, but nothing is as cute as those puppies.

Anyway, Raven tells Nick she has no hesitations about their relationship, and Nick babbles at her.  At this point it's obvious who is going to win: Vanessa was crying at the end of her last date and Raven is soooo confident and I see what you're trying to pull, producers, but there's no way you're not going to show Vanessa emotionally winning and confident Raven get heartbroken.

Nick then gets to meet with Neil Lane for, what, the fourth time?  He picks out what I hope is the largest diamond yet.

Then we have the rose ceremony.  Raven's up first, gives a speech, and despite Nick's very drawn out words, Raven (and everyone watching) knows immediately he's breaking up with her.  She leaves and Vanessa shows up.  Vanessa tells Chris Harrison, "I'm nervous," and Chris Harrison says, "you should be," which I'm sure didn't help.

Vanessa goes in and Nick launches into his I love you speech.  He says "I'm glad I don't have to try not to say it," which is actually pretty sweet.  They sleigh ride into the sunset.

The End.

But not really, because we have After the Final Rose where Chris Harrison asks questions that makes it seems like he really wanted Nick to have been runner up once again.  We find out Raven is heading to Bachelor in Paradise and that Vanessa is moving to LA.

The, "it's like the queen has arrive" with Rachel coming out for an "epic surprise" (Chris Harrison's words, not mine).

That surprise is that Rachel gets to meet four of her suitors live on ATFR!  It's awkward and a little cringe-y, especially when a white dude says he's "ready to go black and [he's] never gonna go back."  Oof.  Despite that, I am still excited for Rachel's season!!!

"Falling in love is a big leap of faith, and certainly so is jumping in freezing cold water"

This week, we basically had two episodes air on the same night: the "to be continued" portion of the Fantasy Suites and Women Tell All.

Fantasy Suites Part 2

After a brief recap, we see Nick leaving Raven after their Fantasy Suite date.  Raven tells us she's pretty satisfied and that "Nick is good at what he does."  And if that wasn't enough, we get a lengthy montage of Raven skipping around Finland and playing in the snow to an upbeat 80s-ish pop song.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that
Rachel is wearing a penguin printed onesie?

Rachel and Nick have a lovely date failing at cross country skiing and feeding reindeer.  Rachel does finally say that she's falling in love with Nick, which earns her a night in the Fantasy Suite!

Vanessa and Nick's date consists of  jumping in icy water and then running into a sauna repeatedly in matching swimsuits for a while before trying to discuss the future where neither of them want to move to the other's country.  They don't really resolve anything, but they do go to the Fantasy Suite.

Rachel goes home at the rose ceremony, and we watch a goodbye that would have been heart wrenching if we didn't already know she was the next Bachelorette.

Women Tell All

First of all, we got to watch a montage of people screaming, I mean, of Nick and Chris Harrison crashing viewing parties in LA.  They even "crashed" a Backstreet Boys viewing "party" where they drank rosé with three of the boys.

But on to the show itself!  As if we didn't get enough of it all season, Women Tell All was the Corinne and Taylor showdown.  It was pretty uncomfortable to watch- Corinne didn't listen to a word anyone said and made up her own version of what happened.  It was quite Trump-like, and I don't really want to revisit it.  Corinne also talked about Raquel, her nanny, and how she calls her a nanny because "cleaning lady" is disrespectful.  Everyone said they wanted "a Raquel" and I wonder if they realize Raquel is an actual person and not something they can own?  Anyway, through all this, girls we forgot even existed showed up to yell about the Taylor-Corinne drama half of them weren't even around for.  We never once heard from Danielle M, who made it to the top 6!  This is thanks to Women Tell All being the last chance to earn a spot on Bachelor in Paradise.

We did get a break from the yelling in the form of Liz, with some girl power speeches about being true to your self.  We even found out there is more to her than having once slept with Nick!  Shocking!  We also heard from Kristina (when Chris Harrison told her she "is the American Dream") and then Rachel, who everyone is just thrilled will be the next Bachelorette.  The yelling came back at the this point, but only because all of the women wanted to tell Rachel how beautiful and awesome she is at the same time.  And of course Nick came out to confront them all.  Nick tells Rachel "I think the guys are really lucky to meet you," to which Rachel replies "they are."

"I'm not gonna get engaged just because I'm the Bachelor"

This week's episode was a tale in three almost unrelated acts:

ACT I:  Andi Comes to Call

ACT II:  A Farewell to Corinne

ACT III:  Quoth the Raven: Never-O

Act 1

As teased to us last week, Andi shows up at Nick's hotel room right before the rose ceremony.  He invites her in and offers her a drink.  "I think this conversation might call for some whiskey," she says.  "I'm really curious as to why Andi's here?" Nick muses to the camera, as if he doesn't know this is something producers try to do almost every season.

If you didn't watch Andi's season, here's the cliff notes: Nick made it to the top two and lost to douchebag jock Josh.  During After the Final Rose, Nick asked Andi why she "made love to him" if she wasn't going to pick him and it was awkward and also caused drama for Andi and Josh (who have long been split us).

Back to New York and Nick and Andi today:  they discuss Nick's experience and how he has four strong women left ("and they stuck around?").  Andi asks if Nick is going to have sex with these final three.  He says he doesn't know (yeah, right), and Andi asks if he regrets asking her about their "making love."  He apologizes, in a long roundabout way, but Andi seems ok with it and they hug, she wishes him luck, and leaves.

Act 2

Time for the first rose ceremony in what feels like months!  Raven, Rachel, and Vanessa get roses.  Corinne cries as Nick walks her out.  She apologizes to Nick, who says she has nothing to apologize for.  Then comes the good part: her limo exit.  She starts her drive bemoaning how her heart will never mend and keeps talking until she's declaring she'll never kiss up to a man ever again.  She also asks the camera "why can't I have a normal relationship?" and, uh, what part of going on a TV show to find love did she think would lead to a normal relationship?  With that over with, she takes a nap.

Act 3

Raven gets the first Fantasy Suite week date.  They are in Finland and go on an awesome looking helicopter ride around Urho Kekkonen National Park.  They then play darts in a Finnish pub and it's all fun and dates like the Bachelor should be.  Then they start talking.  And end up arguing about ironing vs steaming clothes and it's so boring, the fact they are enjoying it means they are probably meant for each other.

Side note: Nick is wearing the chunkiest, most turtlenecky of turtleneck sweaters, while Raven is wearing the least useful of sweaters that doesn't cover her shoulders, let alone neck, as if to make up for Nick.

At dinner, Raven gives Nick an actually quite nice and real (real for this show that is) and long declaration of love.  He offers her the Fantasy Suite card, and she gleefully accepts, but wants to make sure Nick knows two things, which we have been hearing about all episode in between shots of their date:
1. She has only been sexually active with one guy she never even said I love you to (this is the guy who cheated on her and she beat him with a stiletto)
2. She's never had an orgasm

So, no pressure, Nick.  And we won't find out if this night has a satisfying ending until next week's three hour extravaganza.

The episode ends with a Rocky-esque montage of Nick running around in the snow and lifting logs over his head.

"Would that be okay with you" is the new "Can I ask for your daughter's hand in marriage"

We start week eight back in week seven- a pattern that is just not going to end this season.  The girls are chilling in their Bimini suite freaked out because Nick is not playing by the rules re: sending girls home at rose ceremonies.

Nick shows up and painstakingly slowly gives a speech to put them out of their misery.  Turns out he's giving them all roses!  The girls are almost giddy with relief.  But, Nick says, "it's a two way street" so he still has to ask them individually in case, you know, the Stockholm Syndrome hadn't actually set in yet.  He even offers Raven a rose although she already got one during the last group date.

For the first hometown visit this season, we head to Hoxie, AL where Raven drives up to Nick on an ATV to whisk him away into the mud.  But, like literally into the mud.  They take a pit stop at a grain bin, which I guess is what Alabaman's call silos, to climb up, because Raven says thats where you have meaningful conversations.  No meaningful conversations today though, because a cop pulls up and yells at them to come down.  He starts interrogating them about if they have their IDs but then, haha, jokes! It's Raven's brother!  I have to say, her brother was a pretty decent actor considering how forced these situations generally seem.  Anyhow, meeting the bro done with, the two have some more ATV racing to attend to before having a water fight and making out in a marsh.

They clean up and head to Raven's parent's home, while we get a voiceover reminding us how Raven's dad got diagnosed with lung cancer a year an a half ago and how she didn't know if he'd make it to meet a guy she brings home.  They sit down and Raven's dad tells her he's cancer free.  It's a pretty big moment for them to share with Raven and some guy who will probably dump her on TV in a couple of weeks.  Raven and her dad then have an emotional conversation where Raven says she would walk down the aisle alone if he died.  Then Nick asks her dad for his blessing, but in a rambling question about if at the end of this he and Raven don't want to say goodbye, would it be ok by dad if they got engaged?  Raven's dad says he trusts his daughter's judgement, so if she's happy, he is.

I think this is how you get weird bacterial diseases?

On to Dallas, TX to be the first white dude Rachel's brought home!  Rachel takes Nick to her church since it's an important part of her life, but also a predominantly black place.  The pastor (reverend? minister?  I'm not up on religious titles, but the guy giving the sermon is who I am referring to) calls out Rachel and welcomes Nick and it's all very wholesome.  Nick and Rachel then talk about how comfortable they are in church and sort of talk about race and how they'd be an interracial couple.

They then go have dinner with Rachel's family and then they all talk about race.  I'm sure they also talked about other things, but this is all we saw.  Knowing that Rachel is the next Bachelorette, this makes sense, as the Bachelor franchise for the first time is going to actually have to talk about real things.  Rachel's sister brings up a good point about how it's great that Nick has no problems with being an interracial couple, but with the climate these days, one has to deal with society as well.  I also liked the moment when Rachel and Nick sat down with her sister and brother-in-law and Nick told them they make them feel comfortable, to which Rachel's sister says, "why, because you all look like us?"  (Rachel's sister is married to a white guy).  Rachel tells her mom she could see herself falling in love with Nick, and despite being the only one who hasn't expressed love for Nick (to him or produces), still seems to be a front runner even though we know they don't end up together.

First race, and now religion: The Bachelor is getting ahead
of itself in bringing up potentially controversial topics!

And for a complete change of pace, we go down to Miami, FL and get a peek into Corinne's world.  Corinne wants to show Nick a typical day in her life, and shockingly, it is not spent at an office running her multi-million dollar business.  They go to an "exclusive" mall.  The retail personnel all know Corinne and even bring her champagne while shopping.  Nick tries on a bunch of expensive clothes and Corinne buys him over $3000 worth of clothes that look similar to clothes I buy at the Gap.  The last time I spent over $3000 dollars on something, it was my graduate school tuition and I had to take out a loan.  Corinne then tells Nick she loves him in a mall restaurant before heading to the penthouse where her family and nanny live.  Before Nick and Corinne show up, we get to see her parents and sister talk about her.  Her sister says "he's older than Corinne, so, like more mature" and her dad says, "strike one, strike two, strike three" and first off, that's only one, maybe two strikes, but sure.  Anyhow, Corinne gets squeals of glee from her family and they all sit down to dinner.  

Raquel serves them food, pours their wine, and then sit down to join them.   It's pretty uncomfortable to watch considering while she's serving them, they are all talking about her and how she was basically a second mom to Corinne.  Corinne also complained that the other girls made fun of her for having a nanny.  Corinne and her dad talk, and her dad is concerned that Nick won't be able to afford Corinne's expensive taste and that she should be prepared for the worst case scenario.  That being Nick is a stay at home dad and Corinne has to work, presumably at her daddy's business.  Corinne's dad brings this up with Nick as well when he does his prepared speech asking for the ok for marrying his daughter.  But after a while, Corinne's dad says "I think Corinne is the lid to Nick's pot," so I guess he approves.

Nick is wearing a $1400 sweatsuit there.

Time to leave the country to visit Montreal, Canada, where Vanessa lives!  And this hometown could not be more different than the extravagant show in Miami.  Vanessa takes Nick to visit the school she teaches at, where she teaches adult's with special needs.  A bunch of students and teachers are waiting to greet them with signs and roses and tears.  It's an emotional homecoming and you can tell how much Vanessa's students care about her, and how much she cares about them.  She and Nick then make a scrapbook of their journey with her students.

Next, Vanessa tells Nick they are going to her mom's and then her dad's separately, since that's how real life would be.  Dinner with Vanessa's mom includes "15 loud Italians" who all care so much about Vanessa, most of them cry during this evening and do not go easy on Nick.  It becomes clear that Nick and Vanessa have not talked about the future and who would move where, which is kind of important.  Vanessa's mom calls Nick out on his response to why he likes Vanessa, as his first answer was about her looks (which is more or less how he answered that question with the other parents).  Then they go to Vanessa's dad's house where Nick does his "would that be ok [if your daughter and I got engaged]" speech, and his dad says he can't and gets Nick to admit, reluctantly, that he's already asked other dads.  They talk some more, and Nick kind of gets the blessing.  Vanessa then finds out from her dad that Nick asked all the girls' dads for permission (emphasis on dads- we did not see Nick asking Rachel's mom for permission since dad wasn't there), and that doesn't sit well with her, but guess what?  We won't know what Vanessa does with these new feelings until next week.

Between her students and family, it's obvious Vanessa needs to
stay in Montreal, so if Nick wants to continue pursuing
TV and modeling or whatever in LA, he really shouldn't pick her.

We end this week with a teaser of Andi showing up with an ominous knock and a "Hello Nick."  Of course, this will amount to nothing more than her giving him advice and good luck.  So, to be continued then.

"Let's dive into bed"

We begin this week with another cliffhanger that is hardly suspenseful considering all of the preview footage we've already seen.  I feel like the editors are really dropping the ball this season with spoilers in every preview of the next episode/rest of season.  For example, Rachel is clearly a frontrunner and perhaps the only person to give Vanessa a run for her money in winning this thing, yet we now know she's the new Bachelorette, so clearly Nick doesn't pick her.

Anyway, Nick comes in to reassure the girls that he thinks one of the six left will probably be his wife and that we're going to Bimini!  The girls cheer and yell "Bimini" more times than the number of viewers who have even heard of Bimini.

Vanessa gets the first one on one date, much to Corinne's chagrin as she's the only one who hasn't gotten a one on one yet, which in her defense, is odd this late in the season.  Vanessa and Nick head off on a yacht, and Vanessa says "I've never been on a boat before" even though we just saw her on one last week.  They go snorkeling by a ship wreck and make-out underwater.  In the evening, they have dinner and Vanessa tells Nick she's falling in love with him.  Nick decides to give her a speech about how he's said I love you on this show before and that he doesn't want to say I love you to more than one person and it really is not the best response to someone declaring their love.

For the group date, Corinne, Raven, and Kristina get to join Nick to swim with sharks.  Corinne really wants the date to go well so she can take Nick home to meet her "nanny slash maid" who is also her "best friend in the entire world," but Nick seems to be paying more attention to Kristina and even helps her rub sunscreen on her inner thigh.  Corinne pouts and complains that she's "literally trying to win over [her] fiancé," which is literally not the case.  Raven is pretty confident that Corinne and Kristina will get eaten by sharks, while she'd just punch them in the face.  Her confidence was not unfounded as she ends up getting the group date rose and the chance to make-out while watching some band Nick had to namedrop.

Real nice camera shot that really sums up this show:
Nick kisses a woman while other women are sad nearby.

Onto Danielle M's one on one date, where they bike around Bimini, play sports with local kids, and Danielle M admits to be "like one hundred and fifty bajillion percent" falling in love with Nick.  They chat about going home to Wisconsin and Nick tells Danielle M that she's "fun to have fun with" and that her "face is pretty great."  Which is apparently not what Nick is looking for in a wife, because he sends her home.  She cries and leaves and the other girls are sad for her.

Corinne wants to make sure Nick doesn't pull that with her and goes to visit Nick.  She says the following statements:
"I'd live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick" (as opposed to all those shacks with diamonds?)
"I am not a runner up" (but you want to marry one, apparently)
"I'm going to blow that room up"
"I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm"
"I know how to make a man feel good and I do way better than anyone else because my heart is gold but my vagine is platinum" (we finally see the context to this quote considering it's been in every season/episode preview montage since night one)
"You must have two hands on at all times.  Never jiggle, lightly massage"  (this she says to Nick behind closed doors)

So if you hadn't picked up on it, Corinne has decided to have sex with Nick.  But since having sex before the fantasy suites (or during, really), hasn't really worked out for him in the past, he turns Corinne down, and she leaves, pretty upset.

During all of the above, all we get to see is shots of this empty
champagne bottle with breathy audio because while Nick and
Corinne were allowed some "alone" time, they were still clearly mic'd 

Next, Rachel gets the last date of the episode, where she and Nick wander around Bimini.  They chat about Nick meeting her parents and she says she's never brought home a white boy before and they reenforce the fact that Nick needs to call her dad "sir."  Considering we know things aren't going to work out (yay #RachelforBachelorette), I'd wager a good amount Rachel's family visit doesn't go very smoothly.

After the date, Rachel goes back to the hotel beaming and makes Corinne even more worried about her place in Nick's heart.  Nick talks to Chris Harrison about knowing already who has to go home.  He shows up at the ladies' hotel, and they all know what's about to happen, but not with whom.  Nick pulls Kristina aside and says all the typical Bachelor things about not wanting to send her home but he feels it in his heart or whatever.  She is obviously quite upset, and the other girls are also pretty upset.  And of course the episode ends here, with a dramatic "coming up" montage of more crying by everyone involved.