Villains Gotta Vill Part II

Feeling lost without another Bachelor Franchise show until January?  You can always read Chris Harrison's romance novel, The Perfect Letter,  Or, for something shorter and more absurd, head on over to Villains Gotta Vill.  Even Kaitlyn wants it to stop, but the villaining goes on, thanks to Clint and JJ.  Perhaps this is what happens when you're unemployed 32 year old living with your parents and have a very encouraging (and weirdly artistic) partner in crime.

Random villain-related side note:  Nick V.'s twitter handle, @viallnicholas28, looks like he's just calling himself a villain, albeit a dyslexic one.

If you're looking for a gift for me, look no further

Big News, Bachelor Nation

In a SHOCKING TWIST OF EVENTS*, fan favorite** Ben H. has been crowned the next Bachelor***!

He may have been Kaitlyn's #3, but he's now America's #1!

*by "shocking twist of events," I mean "totally predictable announcement"
**We have mixed results with fan favorites... I have hope he won't turn in a jerk (a la Juan Pablo) and he will be able to string sentences together (unlike Farmer Chris)
***He was presented during After Paradise after a brief Nick scare.  Thankfully, Nick is destined to always be America's second choice and we don't have to watch an entire season of Nick V.

In which I review Bachelor in Paradise solely from some tweets I saw

Much as I love the Bachelor franchise, I do not have four hours a week to commit to the amazing drama that is Bachelor in Paradise.  Plus that much wine and that lack of sleep on not one but TWO work nights is a little too much.

I had started following some of the recent bachelor/bachelorette contestants on twitter, since it was entertaining to see them live tweet their embarrassing escapades playing out on TV.  And a lot of them ended up on BIP and really like tweeting about it, both seriously and sarcastically, and in some cases for some damage control.  As a result, I have a vague idea of the drama happing this season on BIP and thought I'd keep this blog alive!  Keep in mind though, this recap is based off of twitter, so I might be recapping an alternate BIP universe.

Let's look at our cast of characters I've gathered have been in Paradise so far (for 6 episodes but only 3 weeks):

The Ladies

• Ashley I. (Chris' season, Kardashley) and randomly her sister Lauren (the not-a-virgin yin to Kardashley's I'm-a-virgin yang)
• Clare (Juan Pablo's 2nd choice and BIP season 1) (and her raccoon and maybe a crab this time?)
• Jade (Chris' season, playboy model)
• Juelia (Chris' season, single mom)
• Tenley (no idea, she's blonde?)
• Carly (Chris' season, apparently a good commentator)
• Ashley S. (Chris' season, onion girl; I almost actually watched the show for her)
• Jillian (Chris' season, got a boob job since then)
• Samantha (Chris' season, villianess)
• Amber (Chris' season, not white)
• Megan (Chris' season, still doesn't understand New Mexico)

The Gentlemen (if you can call them that)

• JJ (Kaityln's season, apparently funny on this show; he's still trying to make "villains gotta vill" happen)
• Jonathan (Kaitlyn's season, apparently makes some poor fashion choices involving an unfortunate vest)
• Joe (Kaitlyn's season, the new bachelor nation mega villain)
• Michael (Des' season I think?  He might be a lawyer, came for Tenley and didn't get her)
• Joshua (Kaitlyn's season, maybe does drugs)
• Tanner (Kaitlyn's season, apparently the male version of Carly in the commentary department)
• Kirk (No clue who this is, maybe has been on Bachelor Pad?)
• Dan (No clue who this is, apparently has nice abs)
• Mikey (Des' season, a "beefheart")

Things that have happened:
(probably not remotely in chronological order)

• Ashley I. cries a lot
• Ashley I.'s sister leaves week 2 to go back to being someone's mistress
• Ashley I. thinks everyone over 30 is an old cougar with sad, old eggs
• Jared also thinks Clare is old, so he and Ashley I. get together
• Clare has a break down at rose ceremony
• Ashley S. gets the first ambulance ride to the ER- no idea what happened but she got a date out of it
• Ashley I. talks about Disney princesses
• Joe makes Jonathan cry
• Ashley S. makes friends with birds when Dan dumps her for Amber
• Jade/Tanner and Carly/Kirk got together early on and are boring and undramatic and couple-y. 
• Carly and Kirk get a fantasy suite, Bachelor Nation code for S-E-X
• Carly missed her brother's wedding for this (to be fair, her brother, Zak of Des' season, is part of the Bachelor Family, so he's probably not as offended as a normal brother would be)
• Megan has shown that she still has a very weak grasp on geography by showing up to Paradise with an "Aloha, Mexico!"
• JJ calls Megan dumb (sorry, not dumb, "different intellectually") but says she's hot and has a nice rack, so I guess that makes up for it?
• Joe and Samantha do something gross in the hot tub that makes all participants tweet about how thankful they are that they never used the hot tub
• Everyone encounters crabs and some people talk to them?
• Everyone hates Joe and Samantha because they were plotting to get together before the show started so Joe used Juelia until Samantha arrived and JJ almost fought him and I guess Joe said some pretty sketchy shit in his ITMs and then Samantha was mean to Juelia and this is a HUGE SCANDAL YOU GUYS.  Well, on twitter it is, anyway
• The bartender's name is Jorge and he has a speaking role
• A lot of other stuff which I don't know because it wasn't tweet-worthy or I just don't remember/didn't see every tweet from the last 3 weeks.

Oh, and "After Paradise" is a thing now and I guess they have some famous people on to chat with our host Chris Harrison and some woman I've never heard of in front of a live studio audience. every. single. week.  And they have a taxidermied raccoon.

I'll just end with this.

"I'm the world's biggest joke" -Nick V.

After being promised "the dramatic ending you won't believe,"  we watch the ending everyone who doesn't live under a rock already knew (thanks snapchat!).  The only ending that we don't believe is them saying this is for forever because have you seen this show before?

Let's review:

Back in LA, Shawn and the other guy have to meet Kaitlyn's family.  Nick V.'s up first and Kaitlyn's family is all whaaaaaaat, Nick V., why?!?

Kaitlyn's fam would be perfect for the live studio audiences

Nick shows up in his best worn-out white v-neck.  Kaitlyn greets him and says, "hey, I told my family how you, like, showed up halfway through and how we have this, like, great connection and how we had sex in Ireland LOL ok, come meet them!"

Kaitlyn's mom starts out strong with the questioning: "Hey Nick V. you're kind of an arrogant dick, how do you explain that?"  Nick fumbles through an answer and sheds a tear and Kaitlyn's mom is suddenly totally on board with him marrying Kaitlyn.

Shawn and Kaitlyn's dad wear matching shirts while Kaitlyn's step dad seemed to miss the blue-stripe memo and wore a pretty awful lime green shirt.  Kaitlyn's mom is worried bringing up the Nick situation will be awkward, and surprise, surprise, it totally is.   Kaitlyn's sister is 100% Team Shawn.

The guys get one more date each with Kaitlyn.  Nick's consists of making out on a boat (and now you wear a nice button up shirt, Nick?) and he gives her a sappy picture/poem thing.  Shawn's consists of Kaitlyn bringing up the Nick situation again at a winery and then he gives her a jar of memories.

Kaitlyn cries because life is hard when two men are picking out ridiculously flashy Neil Lane engagement rings for you.

Final rose ceremony time- Kaitlyn lets Nick get all of the way to pulling out a ring before she stops him.  They say things at each other, but clearly neither are listening.  On the bright side, Nick finally tosses that ring they got in Ireland.

I'm sure you can find a nice girl back in
Chicago who will do fiancé-type stuff with you.

Shawn proposes, Kaitlyn's giddy, yay the most controversial show in Bachelor history is over!

awwwww

Except wait, we still have an hour of After the Final Rose.

Kaitlyn tells Chris Harrison, "I feel like a little kid!"  To which he replies, "you always feel like a little kid!" and then they gush over the ring and there's lots of PDA between Shawn and Kaitlyn.  Not to worry, Nick's still around with his poor family in the audience for some reason, so there's promise of some drama!

Or just a conversation showing Shawn and Nick still hate each other.  It's pretty awkward even if Chris "feels like we've gotten to a good place."   Chris then asks if they want to hug it out which just goes to show that he was not paying any attention to body language/actual language coming from Shawn and Nick.

And that's a wrap.  All with no mention of the next bachelor (though Ben H. was name dropped a few times)!  But to placate the fans, there's more BIP previewing and we learn that Marcus and Lacy will get married on the show.  Like on the beach, presumably with a bunch of swimsuit-clad, drunk, former bachelor and bachelorette contestants in attendance.  I'd rather watch Ashley S. marry those birds in her happy place, but I guess we all don't get what we want.  Though if you are ever sad, just remember you didn't get dumped on national television. Twice.

"Inside, I'm crying right now" -Chris Harrison

It's time to recap Men Tell All, the show where dudes who "lost" a reality dating show bitch about it for a couple hours and the audience at home get to see the who's who of who's that while Chris Harrison earns his paycheck.

Oh, but first we spend 10 minutes on Bachelor in Paradise which will pretty much be Chris's season of girls and recent Kaitlyn rejects plus Claire (because she just can't get enough ocean sex).  There promises to be lots of ugly crying and Ashley S. making friends with the birds.

To start things off, we recap Kaitlyn's season thus far and everyone's embarrassed.  Tanner immediately jumps on Ian being an asshole with a nice little soliloquy of how everyone else will be bros4lyfe but not introverted-reads-books-Ian, so Ian takes off his jacket and strolls onto the floor as if he's giving a TedTalk.

We get these lovely faces from Chris Harrison.

He apologizes to everyone and their mom and everyone at least puts on a show of forgiving him so we can jump on the next person to attack!  Who's up next?  Oh right, Clint.  JJ defends their "intellectual curiosity" about each other and chooses some words poorly ("friendship," "hot tub," -air quotes added by JJ- deep, and meat come to mind) and then Kupah jumps in to change topics to Nick and how Kaitlyn should have spared them all the "agony of [...] helicopter rides" or whatever and can I just point out that you had already left the show in pretty bad form when Nick showed up PLUS you voted for Britt?

Unnecessary picture of Kupah, except does he even know how a tie works?

Back to Clint and JJ.  Chris Harrison pulls JJ into the hot seat to talk about his "journey" with Kaitlyn only to recap the Clint and JJ situation again and chat about that.  And through all of this, Corey with an 'E'," whoever that is, chimes in a LOT.  And I mean A LOT.  And he has some preeeetty strong opinions for someone who no one remembers and went home in the 4th Rose Ceremony after having practically no one-on-one time with Kaitlyn.

Let's move onto the people we care about:

• Ben Z. comes up to the hot seat to admit he still hasn't cried.
• Jared is embarrassed about his LoveMan intro which made me like him better until I remembered the Bachelor in Paradise preview.  At least he shaved his patchy beard- something even Chris Harrison called him out on.
• Ben H. fist bumps with Chris and how is he not going to be the next Bachelor?  Also, how is Ben H. that mature and articulate?  I know approximately zero 26 year old guys who could pull off any of Ben H.'s speeches.

  

  I mean, look at that face!

Kaitlyn shows up and we start her segment with a PSA on cyber bullying, which gets lots of amazed/appalled reactions so I'm glad Chris Harrison decided to bring it up.  This kind of online harassment is unfortunately far too common for any female in the public eye or on the internet who give off any remotely feminist vibes (if you don't believe me, just read the comments section of videos of female stars.  Actually don't, because it will make you hate everyone).

What the hell is wrong with these people, anyway?  Did someone hurt them? Do they wake up in the morning and think, hey, today seems like a great day to spew hatred on the internet to people I don't even know?  Like if you hate Kaitlyn so much, why are you watching a show centered around her?  And the backlash pretty much all centered on her being a "slut" or a "whore."  She had sex with a few guys she was dating, AND OMG THE WORLD IS GOING TO END.  OR maybe it's just her life and her decision and who cares.  Seriously.  Sure, you may think she's shallow or made some bad decisions, but they are her decisions that she made for herself and not for you (or you, Corey, so please shut up).

Do you have to audition to be in the MTA audience?
Like send in videos of yourself overreacting to everything?

The guys give Kaitlyn a standing ovation of support and then they ask her some questions.  She shuts down the judging of the Nick Situation with a "you try dating this many people and not make a mistake and have it televised" which is kind of a good point and also, this would be a boring show if no one made mistakes.  Ian apologizes again and drunk, horned up Ryan from the first night apologizes and Kaitlyn makes a gay joke about JJ and Clint and are we still on that?  Corey probably said 18 thousand things.

Then we get bloopers which is predominantly Kaitlyn being scared shitless of various birds plus a bonus clip of Amy Shumer hating on JJ.  Then Joe comes at her with a bird mask and everyone is like "you have bird tattoos!!!" Kaitlyn says that she can't see them which doesn't explain anything.

I'll just leave this right here.

Notable folks we didn't really hear from: Chris/Cupcake, Creepy Tony, and Joe, most likely because Corey would not shut the hell up.  Also, no one brought up Kupah's exit, though if were were to talk about one alcohol-induced exit, Ryan's was the better choice.  Also, no Britt/Brody update, though that's probably because they broke up ages ago and ABC realized that people just don't care.

"These donkeys have some sick haircuts"

We return this week to Shawn and Nick's useless bro-fight.  Okay, we get it, you hate each other.  And Nick, if you think being Eskimo brothers with someone is not a good thing, then I have bad news for you because I'm pretty sure you just became Eskimo brothers with your worst enemy.

"Best sleepover ever!"
Ben and Kaitlyn have an overnight date riding horses and staying in a castle.  It's adorable and Ben says all of the right things, including the L word.

Ben is way too wholesome for Kaitlyn.

"Golf is a lot like love..."
Thanks, Shawn, we haven't heard a cheesy love metaphor in a while.  Kaitlyn takes Shawn golfing for their overnight and then, in a one-sided game of truth or dare, makes Shawn run around the golf course naked.  I guess the producers were feeling guilty about the lack of pool parties and gratuitously shirtless men and were trying to make up for it.

Return of the black box.

Over dinner, Kaitlyn brings up everyone's favorite subject: Nick!  She then decides to end the conversation abruptly with the invitation to forgo their individual rooms.  Because kissing seems to be Kaitlyn's (so far successful) strategy to not have to actually talk about anything.

Nick is lurking when Shawn emerges the next morning because apparently he didn't get enough of angry Shawn after his own fantasy suite and they proceed to argue unproductively again, but in Nick's room this time.

Shawn wins the champagne chugging contest.

In a predictable rose ceremony, Kaitlyn cries and sends drama-free, perfect, ridiculously hot Ben home (to presumably be the next Bachelor)  and Shawn and Nick readjust their pants 18 times and avoid eye contact because apparently they aren't allowed to leave.

Next up: Utah for "hometowns," probably so people on the internet can make fun of polygamy.

"I'm totally in love with you.... so, yeah"
Nick has a thousand siblings and his family is very concerned to the point of tears that Nick has made a huge mistake going on this show.  Again.   Nick tries to soothe his mom's worries by telling her that "[Kaitlyn]'s great at making out."  He also drops the L word on Kaitlyn and tells her that they "should make babies someday."

"What the hell's going on.  This is nuts."
We learn that sisters are Kaitlyn's jam because she has 7 of them, and then she actually gets along nicely with Shawn's sisters.  Shawn's dad is quite skeptical of the situation but that doesn't stop Shawn from also dropping the L word to Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn's confused and there will definitely be lots of tears and drama in the finale.

Next week, though, we get a break from the Shawn and Nick hate each other show for Men Tell All!  Are JJ and Clint still together?  Is Ian still a pompous asshole?  Did Joshua's hair grow back?  Has Kupah reevaluated his relationship with fireball?  Has creepy Tony married a bonsai yet?  Has Jared shaved his sad attempt at a beard?  Hopefully we'll have answers, come Monday!

"Why Kaitlyn is falling in love with Nick, I don't understand."

This week we're still in Ireland, but we do get one of those elusive rose ceremonies (and in the 9 o'clock hour too!  We're getting closer to having closure!).  All dates are now apparently in green grassy areas near old buildings.  Let's review:

Ben H. gets a one-on-one.  They play hide and seek, Kaitlyn tells Ben he's husband material, Ben tells Kaitlyn she's hot, and Kaitlyn asks Ben if he's a virgin.  Normal date stuff.

Joe, Nick, and Shawn get a group date.  Joe tells Kaitlyn he's falling in love with her and Kaitlyn breaks up with him.  He is reasonably upset and leaves in a huff and Kaitlyn is sad because she just wanted a hug.  Kaitlyn gives no one a rose but invites Shawn to the night portion of the date to tell him she slept with Nick.  Shawn decides to "man up and deal with it," which unfortunately does not mean he's going to stop being a whiny little bitch or stop hating on Nick "the other guy" nonstop.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!  Super dramatic since there is no cocktail party (have to switch up something).  Shawn needs Kaitlyn to sooth his feelings before he can accept a rose and then Jared ends up rose-less and goes home and hopefully shaves that beard (if you can even call it that).

Nick gets the first fantasy suite date and Kaitlyn takes him to a pub so they can drink and talk to the locals about relationships.  Then- surprise!- they forgo their individual rooms for the fantasy suite.  Which is in a sketchy jail cell (as a joke of course, but Nick's all, sure, I'll do you wherever).

And then we see something we've never seen on the Bachelor/ette before: the morning after!  Nick is shirtless and Kaitlyn eats bacon.  Nick leaves only to have Shawn come to his room and basically start a fight.  The conclusion of which we have to wait until next week to see, of course.

Oh and Britt and Brady get the credits and NO ONE CARES.  Give us our bloopers back!

And then there were three.

"Gentlemen, everything is about to change"

I'm going to try really hard to write an interesting recap, but that episode was awfully boring, so I'm making no promises.  To sum up:

• Shawn confronts Kaitlyn not once, but twice, both times after sulking in multiple dim-lit locations.
• Kaitlyn "feel[s] like [she] is constantly disappointing people," which, to be fair, she is because she is on national television and in general people suck and really, really like to judge other people.  I am obviously guilty of the latter if you didn't realize, as you are reading a blog I created solely to judge other people.
• Joe and JJ have an uneventful 2-on-one where Kaitlyn calls JJ "edgy" (of all adjectives, Kaitlyn, "edgy?" Really?!) and he admits to cheating on his wife.  Joe apparently opens up to her (these conversations are so vague!).  And in a shocking twist, JJ goes home.
• yawn.
• A rose ceremony might actually happen!  But not until we sit through a looooong, sad, and boring cocktail party where Ben H. confronts Kaitlyn about some vague feelingsy thing that has to do with Shawn and taking a shower somehow and then Nick freaks out when Kaitlyn reminds him not to brag about "being intimate" with her.
• Finally, the rose ceremony!  Ben Z. and Tanner don't get roses.  Tanner, sure, but I was honestly surprised about Ben Z.  I guess Kaitlyn actually wants more than a MAN (which is pretty much the only word I've heard her describe him with).
• Ben Z. still doesn't cry and his exit interview blah blah blah yawwwwwn.
• Jared gets to go on a car ride with Kaitlyn to kiss the Blarney Stone and see her castle (which is "apparently haunted" and "The queen's been here," so you know it's an extra legit castle).  We also learn Jared doesn't know how to drive stick, so the girl who just hit multiple curbs en route to her castle was clearly the best choice for a teacher all while in a country that drives on the left.
• Chris Harrison pays Kaitlyn a visit to help "level the playing field" by saying, "Hey Kaitlyn, why don't you just sleep with at least two other guys to assuage your guilt about Nick so we can move on to awkward family visits?" 
• Chris (the cupcake one) gets a one-on-one helicopter ride to a cliff where Kaitlyn cries and breaks up with him, so Chris cries really ugly and everyone is wondering why they had her break up with someone two feet from the edge of a cliff.  Chris is observant though, and says he doesn't think Kaitlyn knows what she wants and that she's a mess which not only she is, but also is pretty much what Kaitlyn's been saying about herself, and yeah, but she still didn't have a lot of chemistry with you so boo hoo.

I feel you, man.  I had you winning my bracket, so I'm in the same boat.

Next week we might get a rose ceremony where two guys go home and maybe the beginning of fantasy suites?  Or not?  Who knows anymore.  Maybe Kaitlyn will actually tell the guys she slept with Nick (as we are led to believe she does by promos since episode one) and the episode will just be everyone crying.  One thing's for sure, no one's leaving Ireland anytime soon.

"Feelings and Drama"

Well that was some episode, huh?  Not to beat a dead horse, but I still hate not having a rose ceremony at the end and instead having some weird Britt's mom time.  And can we talk about how not only did we not get the Dublin rose ceremony, we didn't even get to see all the dates yet!  What we did get is a lot of icky Nick time and the weirdest date in the Bachelor franchise history.

But before we go to Ireland, Ian had his last stand at the Alamo.  Did you guys know he went to Princeton?  And that he's intelligent and deep and went to Princeton?

Ian and Kelsey should get together.
They're both so much higher than poop jokes and movie quotes.

Hate to break it to you Ian, but after that exit of insulting the Bachelorette and talking about how amazing you are, you are not destined to be the next Bachelor.  You are destined to go home and be single.  I did like how after Ian stormed out without saying anything to the guys, someone says "Hopefully it ended on good terms.  Yeah, right.  To the rest of the men's chagrin, Nick comforts Kaitlyn and can hardly contain his smile when saying how disappointing Ian's actions were.

Joshua and '90s boy band hair guy went home and everyone cheered because they finally get to leave the country and actually go somewhere cool! spend more time with Kaitlyn on their journey for love. Though I must admit, the Alamo was a pretty cool spot for a rose ceremony.

Onto Dublin, Kaitlyn takes Nick on the first one-on-one date, which the other guys were just soooo thrilled about.  The girl with the bird tattoos once again encounters her worst nightmare: birds.  Then she and Nick kiss a bunch of places and dance poorly.

This poor guy on the right just thought it was a lovely day for a Guinness,
but boy was he ever wrong.

Dinner in a church and a private concert follows, and then whiskey-fueled Kaitlyn makes some poor decisions.  So she brings Nick back to her place and has sex with him and some poor cameramen had to sit and film their door.  That wasn't really a poor decision in itself (except ew, it's Nick); sex is a big part of a relationship for some people and there's nothing wrong with sleeping with a guy on a first date or waiting until marriage or anything in between.  It's up to her, and being a "kissing bandit" and sleeping with a guy she's super attracted to doesn't make her a slut or a bad person.  It's really not surprising Kaitlyn slept with someone either- everyone on this show is supplied a constant stream of alcohol and sent on romantic adventures and they're only human.  But this show does have (or tries to have) rules and if you believe in the finding-your-husband-by-dating-25-guys-on-TV process, maybe trust the process and wait to sleep with three guys in the Fantasy Suites?  Also maybe wait out of respect for the other guys you're dating who are trusting in this process and would have maybe also slept with you sooner too if this was the real world.  But it's not the real world and Kaitlyn went for it and now we all get to gossip about it on the internet.

(Side note, how funny would it be to watch this show with one of the guys?)

The morning after, Kaitlyn talks to herself (well, probably a producer, but I like thinking she was mumbling to herself on that balcony alone.  She's concerned Nick will tell the guys, and boy does he want to.  It's awkward and everyone still hates him and I think Shawn might explode.

Kaitlyn, you know Nick's history!
You should have heeded Ashley S.'s advice and contained your lust!

So Kaitlyn freaks out but still has to go on a group date.  The group date is an Irish funeral for Kaitlyn and it's kind of the worst.  The guys are really good sports about it even though, as Chris Harrison points out, she's the "worst dead person ever."  Shawn won in my book for his "I'd kill myself too if I had to spend a day with Nick" eulogy, to which the other guys cheered and probably made Kaitlyn feel bad.  Then they go hang out at a Guinness store house and everyone's moody after Jared gets the rose.  Chris the dentist tries to say something optimistic and gets shut down because no, Cupcake, this totally sucks.  Then Shawn freaks out and talks to someone about how Kaitlyn said he was the one and apparently they hung out in her room once too?  He's having big issues (and he doesn't even know about Nick and Kaitlyn's sexy times yet!) and goes to confront Kaitlyn in her suite and THAT'S THE END OF THE EPISODE.

Some quick, last minute thoughts on last weeks episode

We learned last week that Tanner definitely watches the Bachelor shows and not only that, reads the tabloids.  Some guys clearly have not watched the show before and get upset when they have to literally compete for the girl instead of going to zoos and falling in love.  Though clearly having seen the show before (and, you know, being on it before) doesn't prevent one from getting upset over what everyone knows happens.  Kaitlyn got reaaaally upset this week when Joshua mentioned the guys don't like Nick and demanded why everyone was lying to her (technically they were just lying by omission).  Snitches get sent home.  Plus clearly the guys have no say in Nick's presence so maybe, just maybe, Kaitlyn, they just want to focus on you and not some guy they dislike.  Regardless, the whole thing was thrown way out of proportion and Joshua totally got thrown under the bus and also called the roses "old girls" this week, so maybe it's just time to go home.

Other thoughts from this episode:

• Is being carried around a baseball diamond really that romantic?  JJ's still around for some reason, so I guess so.
• Clearly none of the men can sing, yet I guess Kaitlyn is completely tone deaf and doesn't mind listening to horrible renditions of any genre.
• Since when has Kaitlyn given any indication she's a barber?

This week we learned you can't say the word erection on national TV.

We'll delve into this whole Ian drama after the next episode, since I'm sure they'll replay all of it to build even more suspense/drama.

"But that's lust."

This week we got a double dose of Ashleys, the most dramatic break-up in Bachelorette history, NO rose ceremony, and Hurricane Nick!

To recap, Kaitlyn sees though Clint's attempts at "charm" just so he can keep hanging out with his "best best best friend" with whom he's become "very very very close" and asks him to leave.  JJ has a jerk move and they JJ and Clint fight while standing very, very, very close to each other.  With a "hey that tie goes really well with your shirt," Clint is gone and JJ cries in the bushes and slaps himself in the face before rejoining the other men.  Kaitlyn refills her wine and decides not to have a rose ceremony.

"New York is definitely a place I could see myself falling in love"

We're out of Bachelor Mansion and in NYC!  As we know from last season, Kaitlyn loves to rap even though she's absolutely horrendous at it.  The guys have a rap battle and are equally as terrible at rapping as she is, so hey, maybe Kaitlyn's husband is in this group of guys after all.  Sharleen, Nick V., and Ashley I. are all in attendance for some reason, which brings us to The Nick Situation.

Nick came to New York to meet Kaitlyn because they've been tweeting and texting each other.  Kaitlyn asks "why now?" which is a good question, seeing as if the show's history is any indication, she'll be single in a couple of months after the finale anyway and couldn't you have just waited?  Not if Nick and the producers have anything to say about it!  I mean, all the interesting (i.e. dramatic/weird/crazy/confrontational) men are gone and they need a villain, and, you know, villains gotta Viall.

For some reason, Kaitlyn has to consult the guys on what they think about throwing a new guy into the mix. Obviously everyone hates the idea, and Tanner reveals that he actually does watch this show by catching up the guys on Nick's role on Andi's season and how he confronted her about "making love" with him when she wasn't in love with him and how he's generally a terrible person.  Kaitlyn feels like she's in a tough situation, so goes outside, makes out with Nick, and then gives the group date rose to the only guy who supported her decision to consider inviting Nick on.

Kaitlyn wastes no time in catching Nick up to what's been happening this season.

The rest of the show is overshadowed by the Nick Situation.  Jared gets a glamorous one-on-one date with Kaitlyn and writes her a poem which is predictably as bad as all other poetry to have come out of this show.

Next group date, five guys show that they can't sing or dance or act and Kaitlyn and Cupcake Chris get to appear for like 2 seconds in Aladdin on Broadway.  Meanwhile, the rest of the guys are still fuming about Nick.

Much as I dislike Nick, Kaitlyn clearly has more chemistry with him than any of the other men.  She was ridiculously giddy when he showed up.  Or maybe, as Ashley S. notes, it's just lust.  Whatever it is, it's better TV than Ben H. and Joe sulking about losing the Broadway date or Kaitlyn and Chris admiring THE BALL.

Lastly, instead of a rose ceremony, we get 5 minutes of elevator music with a weird attendant watching Nick as he moves in with another group of men who will hate him.  Also Britt and Brady are still running around on beaches together and I still don't care.

"Villains gotta vill"

First off, I'm not a fan of their new format of rose ceremony at the beginning, cliffhanger at the end.  I like a little closure each week!  Also, the rose ceremonies are more bearable once I've had more wine.

But onto the show: first off, in a not so dramatic rose ceremony, Kaitlyn sent home Edward Norton and a blond guy after telling Kupah to leave, again, which he did, but not without some Fireball for the road.

JJ apparently never sees the sun.

The first group date was sumo wrestling, so more guys can literally fight for Kaitlyn.  It was ridiculous and the other guys got to watch/laugh.  Tony "eyes of a child, heart of a warrior, soul of a gypsy" had a huge problem with the date.  Violence and being primal is not his thing, and he ranted about peace and love and going to the zoo.  He had some good points, but real dates don't make good TV and has he even seen this show before?  No one cares how the contestants feel (remember last season when the girls had to race tractors downtown LA in bikinis?  This show may be sexist, but at least it's equally bad to both sexes? or something?).  The zoo would make a nice date, Tony, but Kaitlyn is afraid of birds, so that's not going to happen.  Anyway, Kaitlyn liked the date, so maybe Tony's just not a good fit for her.  Plus his bonsai trees really wanted him back home.  The other guys didn't have any problem being MEN and slamming into each other wearing thong diapers (which were totally NOT sexy, Kaitlyn).

Onto the one-on-one!  Chris Harrison planned the most terrifying date ever: lock Kaitlyn and Ben Z. in a haunted room and make them search for clues to get out.  Kaitlyn was acting like a complete wimp, which to be fair, is exactly how I would act in a situation like that.  They got out and we learned Ben Z. is a total "babe soda" with a tragic dead mom story and everyone loves him.

A single dude who has never been in love is probably not the best person to teach you how tampons work.

For the second group date, a bunch of 20-something men teach children sex ed!  They are hilariously awkward and the kids overreact to everything.  Other Ben does a cute lesson on creating a child that is not really accurate, but wins points with Kaitlyn, so everyone overlooks it.  These kids learned nothing.  And to the folks saying how wildly inappropriate that all was: yeah kids shouldn't learn sex ed from some dudes on a reality tv show, but sex ed is really important and maybe teaching kids about their bodies/sex/safe sex/etc might help with some of our problems with teen pregnancy/stds/rape/generally kids making bad decisions.  Knowledge is power, guys!  Also, what was with all of the bleeping out words?  I'm sure those guys weren't cursing at the kids.  And the black bar with the tampon demonstration?  Seriously?  Is America not ready for periods?

Moving forward, Kaitlyn spends some time with the guys and is concerned that Joshua isn't moving fast enough in their relationship.  But wasn't Kaitlyn's big thing last season not opening up right away?  I think she just wants to make-out with everyone. Then she goes on about how hot Jared is with a black eye, which is a little concerning.  And she's impressed that Jared's "comfortable with his sexuality."  I mean, it's a tough world out there for straight, cis, white men, so that really sets him apart.

BBFs (best bros forevah)

So Clint turns out to be there for the wrong reasons.  We get to see a lovely montage of Clint and JJ's budding bromance (They both like turtles!).  To be fair, their friendship will probably last longer than the relationship Kaitlyn gets out of this show.  And shouldn't we be glad they found each other in that sea of JV croquet players?

Tune in next week when "Clint is gonna go down in flames" (dramatic, much, Kaitlyn?).

"You sit at home and judge other people and are like 'I'm fine'"

Thank you, Amy Shumer, for summing up why it's fun to watch the Bachelorette (especially when single).

My feelings exactly, Amy.

And now, ten things we learned from this week on the Bachelorette:

1. If you ask a bunch of men who are competing to date you to literally fight for you, someone WILL get hurt.
2. "If she says you take my breath away and you're SCUBA diving, that's drowning"
3. If you want a group date rose, having a dead mom trumps being a single dad.
4. Some guys apparently think being smug and cocky is attractive, when in fact it makes you look like a turd.
5. Every kiss begins with Ka(itl)y(n).
6. No one understands Tony.  I believe when he said "Love is perennial as the grass," what he actually meant was "I am perennialy high on grass."
7. Kaitlyn likes movies and movie quotes, guys!  Wow, thanks Kupah, for revealing this about her- I just love learning unique things about people!  Girls usually hate movies and movie quotes! Kaitlyn's such a catch!
8. Saying "But you're hot" is not going to win you back a girl.
9. To be continued... is still the worst way to end an episode.
10. Britt and Brady are together!  No one cares!  Bring back the bloopers in the credits, ABC, I don't need to see more montages of Britt and Brady sharing ice cream.

In other Bachelor news:

In a shocking turn of events, Chris and Whitney break-up rumors might actually be true now!  Sad day for Bachelor Nation.

"It's all fun and games until Chris Harrison shows up"

This season is going to be SO dramatic, they had to set the stage with a two-night season premiere!
Some thoughts on the "awkward and probably a bit painful" episodes:

• I would never want Chris Harrison to break bad news to me.  Or good news.  Or any news.
• Britt didn't get to take a moment and say her good byes!
• How awkward would it be if Kaitlyn ends up with a guy who totally came for Britt?
• Are they going to have a side story in the credits about Britt and the singer-songwriter who is terrible at singing?
• Cupcake car/Dentist definitely had the best entrance.  Car pool wasn't half bad either, but then he tried to reason with the drunk guy and is an amateur sex coach, so it went downhill from there.
• "I would love to puck you."  Way to take a leaf out of Kaitlyn's book and use an inappropriate punny pick-up line, JJ!
• I wonder where the Chris Harrison riding a Triceratops and wielding a rose drawing is now?
• "I guess you can't judge a book by it's cupcake."  Tony should leave the jokes to Kaitlyn.
• So Kaitlyn's going to sleep with someone (or if it's Nick, "make love") and then tell everyone?  Just leave that in the ocean like Juan Pablo did, and avoid a horrendously awkward situation.
• Whatever Kaitlyn does though, I doubt it will be as embarrassing for her as Drunk "you suck" Ryan's 15 minutes of fame.  He was really good at not spilling his drink when falling all over the pool, but also really good at being an A-grade douchebag.

I haven't learned their names yet, but the men Kaitlyn kept this week are:  three ethnic dudes, cupcake car-dentist, #CreepyTony the healer, Kuna guy with the welded rose, Edward Norton look-a-like, first impression rose guy who believes he fell in love at first sight, southern accent, honest about choosing Britt "LoveMan," and some guys who look like they came out of stock photos.  I think there are multiple Ben's and two dudes with kids who's names are something like Skye and Aurora Borealis.  

1 Week To Go!

Dear Readers,

Welcome to my Bachelor Blog!  Here I will post a mash-up of recap and reaction to each drama-packed Bachelor/ette episode, starting with Season 11 of The Bachelorette, starring possibly Kaitlyn and possibly Britt!  I am 100% #TeamKaitlyn, so if the 25 men choose fake-crier Britt by putting more roses in her custom rose-shaped-hole-in-the-lid box (seriously), this blog may cease to exist.

We may have seven days until the premiere, but ABC has released the suitors, so get your brackets ready!  The 25 guys span 10 years of age, 22 different names, and two countries (thanks, Canada!).  And the winner for the best (worst?) occupation goes to that Canadian: Shawn E., the amateur sex coach!  Sex coach would be one thing (I mean, we know love guru is an occupation thanks to Chris and Carly's super awkward date last season), but the "amateur" part sounds suspect.

Most of the guys are, shockingly, relatively good-looking white dudes.  A number of them look to be pretty buff, too, so get ready for lots of shirtless scenes!

Stock up on some wine, and I'll see you next week as we judge 25 attempts at charming entrances!